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Thanks for starting the community Sara! I’m excited to connect with fellow readers and followers of your book. One of the greatest parts of this book is understanding the challenges of being single are normal and I am not the only person in the world going through them (even thought it can feel like that).
After reading Sara’s NY Times article I could not wait for this book and read through it in one sitting. In so many ways, this book provides calmness and wisdom in a sea of “blame-game” dating/self-help books. I have been told most of the reasons in the book but I wonder which resonated with readers most? For me, it was the “You’re too picky.” Sara’s advice of keeping details of my dating life (or lack thereof) to myself has proven very helpful. I often feel pressure to go on the second or third date even though I’m not “feeling it” and then I feel judged for “not feeling it.”
Thanks for getting this underway Sara. Like Mamey2422 says, I’m excited to connect with others, because it does sometimes feel like you’re the only one going through the challenges of being single.
I can also relate to the “too picky” accusation. I’ve gone on second dates (not great) against my better instincts because I didn’t want to be judged by friends and family who said I had to try to be more open.
I have to admit however, that I haven’t read Sara’s book yet. So I must do that to see what else resonates.
I too am excited for this community. I have been single for pretty much my enitre life, and until I read Sara’s book I felt very alone in that experience. I have great friends but most of them are married, and my unmarried friends have generally moved quite easily from one relationship into another, so none of them have really shared my experience. It will be good to connect here with other people who can relate. Thank you so much to Sara for getting this community started (and for writing one of my favourite books ever!). It’s definitely worth a read, Henny164. :)
I can definitley relate to “You’re too Picky” and the pressure to go on more dates with someone when you’re not that into them. I have never wanted to settle, and while it’s hard to be single sometimes, for me that’s definitely better than being in the wrong relationship. I heard a quote once that was something along the lines of “there is nothing more lonely than the loneliness that you feel when you’re with another person” and I try to remind myself that when I’m having a hard day.
For me, it’s hard to pick just one chapter, but I definitely loved coming away from the book with the overall idea that my friends in relationships don’t know some big secret that I don’t, and that I’m not doing anything wrong. I have stopped worrying so much about why they found love and I haven’t yet, because I understand now that most of it really just comes down to luck. I still struggle with being single and wish things were different, but I really do have a better outlook on it overall, and have learned to stop obsessing and analyzing over the “why”. Great question Mamey2422… thanks for getting this discussion started!
“Too picky” for me, too. And it infuriates me when people tell me to settle. How does one respond to that? What I want to say is “Is that what you did?” Hehe.
I’m not happy about being single and having no one to love (romantically), but I don’t regret getting out of my awful marriage.
Hi!
I read Sara’s book this spring and it was the first piece of advice to not make me seem like my perpetually single state was my problem alone. The point I related to was “You Need More Practice”. I’m young (23), but I have never had a relationship. Part of the reason was my parents not allowing me to date when a teenager. But as I’ve gotten older, I just have yet to experience mutual attraction with another person. I do worry that if I do get into a relationship, it’ll be a steep learning curve since I have no past experience besides first dates that never led to second ones and a monthlong fling. I have no problem making friends but it’s just dating that has been very hard for me, so I’ve somewhat given up. It’s gotten to the point where my heart races when people ask about my dating life. It’s never existed and I’m not too optimistic about the future since I have no past with it.
But I’m so glad that you all here on the forum can relate. We hear so much about people dating regularly in society with long-term partners rather than our experiences. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone.I would say for sure the “You’re too Picky”. People assume that I’ve been the one swatting away men and telling them that they’re not good enough for me. Also when I tell people what I am looking for, they offer their unsolicited advice about what I should be looking for, especially at my age (36).
I would say also a combination of you’re too old and too intimidating. I have lots of letters after my name and live alone, and so of course men, all being of one mind (rolls eyes) would feel that I am too independent, too educated, too smart, too head strong and not young enough to give them the lots of babies they want (rolls eyes even harder).
A relative also told me I have (anger) issues and until I fix that I won’t get married (because we all know that every married person is an angel with no anger issues at all).
I think I’ve heard “you’re too picky” more often than any of them. Which is funny, because there were times I went to the trouble of taking a deep breath, deconstructing all the reasons I stopped dating someone or turned someone down. Each time I did this wretched practice, the person I did it with inevitably agreed with me at each step, yet concluded that somehow I was still too picky.
The retort “Okay, then, I should just settle down with someone to make you happy and the hell with whether or not he makes me happy” seems to shut them up for a while.
It’s pretty random if you wind up in the right place and time with someone who’s a great match when you’re both ready for it. People who find the match (or convince themselves that a not-great match is because they are scared of being alone) seem to overlook that part and assume it’s because they did something that the rest of us haven’t. I know great people who haven’t happened to meet a great fit and some awful people who find partners like they’re falling out of trees.
The (wrong) reason I related to most is “You need to be happy alone.”
I was in a long-term relationship for 5 years, we lived together for 4 of those years, and then we were engaged and broke-up. My close friends and family have given me many variations of the advice, “You need to be happy alone.” If I was sad and telling them I missed having a partner, they’d say “you need to be comfortable by yourself before you can give to another person.”
While I think it’s healthy to take time after a break-up to take care of yourself and process what has happened, I don’t think there’s a definitive time frame of “Okay! You’ve now been independent long enough to successfully date again!”
I had one well-meaning friend tell me that I should consider taking a trip alone (Elizabeth Gilbert and Cheryl Strayed-style) to go outside of my comfort zone, find myself, exercise my independence, etc…
So I did. I went across the country alone to San Diego, CA and explored the area by myself for several days. It was an absolutely fantastic and gratifying experienced, but I don’t think it was a turning point in my life where the clouds opened up and a mystical voice said, “You’re now ready to have a partner!” I will say that the trip did get my friends off my back a little about the “be happy being alone” thing though.
Honestly, screw the mantra of “You need to be happy alone.” I’ve done everything alone — traveling, buying property (twice), brokering business deals, fixing shit — and it’s not fun to do it alone. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy time by myself reading a book or indulging in my hobbies, but I truly don’t believe that most people are built to be alone. I’m so tired of this trite crap about needing to be happy alone before you can meet your partner. It’s perfectly fine to be UNhappy about being alone. There’s almost nothing in my life that wouldn’t be better with a partner, and I know this because I’ve spent extended periods being both partnered and alone. I know I can do it alone, I just don’t want to.
Beachbum: I couldn’t agree more!! You brought up a good point about having extended periods of your life with a partner and also without (and feeling the times with a partner were more fulfilling).
Over the entirety of my life, I’ve been single for a longer duration of time than I’ve been in serious relationships. In the respectively short periods of time when I was coupled up, I was generally happier.
From a evolutionary standpoint, we are arguably conditioned to want a partner (for all different kinds of reasons: it helped with safety, procreation, etc…). Some people may not want to procreate (and I think that’s fine), but I think the innate desire to not want to be alone is hard-wired in many of us.
Hi Courtney550
I suppose you would be happier maybe because you were getting on ok.
I think the danger of being in a couple is you can shut down to a lot of experiences – activities ‘on your own’ can really stretch you in a positive way. ‘Permanent’ couples take note!Nevertheless this idea of ‘youve got to love yourself first before you can love someone else is a load of rubbish’. Often an excuse trotted out by so called relationship ‘experts’ because they need to convince you you need fixing (and you PAY for the privilege)….
My best wishes
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