something wrong with me ?

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  • #1238
    alexandra
    Participant

    Dear all,
    I am glad to meet you all. I am writing to ask you if you have any piece of advice on the pretty recent feeling I’ve got that I am single because there is something wrong with me. I am approaching 40, quite a number of men have been interested in me over the last 20 years but somehow I have never felt I have met the One so after being disappointed after a brief relationship in my mid 20s, I could never get to become close to anyone anymore. Until one year ago I was pretty cool about the fact that I am single, I have led an active life, I have always thought true love will just come along, it will just take a little longer for me.Except that now my world view has become much darker and I don’t have that feeling of hope anymore. I am a friendly person, although a little bit shy, I have had a rich social life, and I feel so weird because everybody around seems to agree that I have had everything it takes to be in a good relationship, but it is just not happening. I have been giving it a thought, read books, listened to other people,done my share of research on what might have gone wrong. Anyway, for the time being, my question to you if you have any tips about how to restore optimism again, even if reality contradicts it ? I honestly think that in the state of mind I am in the chance to meet and connect with someone worth being with is very very slim. I mean, I wouldn’t date myself, if I were to meet my sad face in a social context :(

    #1242
    beachbum
    Participant

    Although I’m younger than you, I can definitely relate to your feelings. I went through a period where I felt like I had to “work” to find a relationship. I did online dating and I kept a full social calendar and read self-help books and signed up for coaching programs, and although I met some nice people along the way, it never produced a relationship. It has been very difficult to come to terms with the fact that it may never happen. What I’ve always wanted more than anything is to become a wife and mother. In a culture that teaches us we can achieve our dreams if we just work hard enough, love, in my opinion, does not fall under that category.

    So how to restore optimism? I think there’s a freedom that comes with knowing deep in your bones that you can have a great life even if he doesn’t arrive. When I say “he” I mean that big love, that lifelong love. What would a great life look like without him? Maybe sit with a journal for a while and write about what that life would look like. I think the biggest factor for restoring optimism is acceptance. It’s more than okay to want love, but at the same you can pursue a life that feels good alone, too.

    The longer I’ve been single, the more new people I meet, and the more I am convinced that are so many smart, kind, caring, sensitive people in the world. Those people exist. So for that reason I have faith in love and faith in people, because I’ve seen evidence of it my life, and if it exists, I know it means it’s possible for me.

    #1249
    eldogg
    Participant

    It can be very very difficult. Especially when you haven’t met anyone in a long time. There seem to be people out there with boundless optimism and enthusiasm no matter what the circumstances are. I think this trait is hereditary. If you have it, great … no matter what you will always feel optimistic. But if you don’t, one needs to see some “results” periodically in order to retain that optimism. I’m not sure what to say except if you think you have it in you, try to find ways to believe in yourself … reach down and capitalize on what you know is good about yourself and what others have pointed out is good about you … even if it’s not directly associated with dating. You can only do your best.

    If you are not able to do this, from personal experience, I think the only way to get that optimism is to have those periodic positive experiences and if they don’t come, it’s going to be difficult to develop and retain it. For me, it’s been too long with too few successes and in my 50s, I’ve pretty much lost hope. As much as I love being in love and I would love to be with someone very much, I try to go on with my life as best I can … spending time with my friends and relatives … enjoying the things I enjoy and get pleasure out of as much as possible … and just figure that just maybe at some point … it might happen but I won’t be surprised if it doesn’t. It’s all in whether you are positively reinforced or not.

    #1250
    talimeirav
    Participant

    For me, I see loss of optimism part of my single life. I’m almost 39 years old and have been single for many many years now, not by choice, and there are many periods of time (especially during hot long summers) when I’m just wondering what the hell is going on with my life, and why is it all so gloomy?
    Now, when I feel this way, I’ve learned that the best medicine is to let it be, just live with it, don’t panic, treat yourself to the things you love (for me, nothing beats a glass of wine on my balcony, or watching a good TV show surrounded by my pets on the couch), and one morning you will wake up and feel less crappy, and and eventually it will pass.
    I am sending you a big virtual hug and letting you know: you are not alone!

    #1251
    alexandra
    Participant

    Dear all,

    Thank you for your thoughtful and kind replies. It is indeed a relief to exchange opinions and to have different perspectives, sometimes I just feel I am going round a never ending circle, talking with my other single friends, we never reach any conclusion. I am just wondering why some people can find somebody to be with very soon after they break up and for others it takes years to do that…or never. Apart from social circumstances and the level of sensitivity one has, could it be the fact that some people just have it innately and unconsciously do what ever it takes to find somebody ? I for example I am pretty independent, to be honest, could that be an impediment (at a psychological level, I mean)? Should I be needier or something ? And can one still love after a certain age, I wonder ? Sometimes it just seems love is a thing specific to youth, the same way in which going to the disco or wearing teen clothes is…

    #1253
    mariposa
    Participant

    Hi Alexandra,

    I can really relate to everything you wrote in your post, and like the replies above, wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I’m in my mid-30’s and have never had a long-term relationship, and I have spent much of my life thinking that something was wrong with me and feeling very alone in my experience. I think that for me, similar to what beachbum wrote, I feel most optimistic when I find the right balance between acceptance and hope.

    I’ve found that finding others who share this experience has helped, and for me that began when I read Sara’s book. It opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn’t alone, and it helped me understand that my married friends didn’t possess some big secret I’d missed out on and that falling in love really has more to do with luck than anything else. Her story, along with the stories of her friends that she shares, gave me hope that finding love in my late 30’s or 40’s is still possible, even after long-term singlehood.

    The other big “aha” moment for me actually came during a situation that had nothing to do with being single. I was listening to someone talk about her journey with infertility, and a conversation that she and her husband had in the middle of four years of trying when they decided that no matter what happened, they would be okay. If they had a baby, their life would be wonderful, and if they didn’t it would also be wonderful (full of adventures, travel, and other experiences that they wouldn’t be able to have with a child). They now have a young daughter, and while their experience couldn’t be more different than mine, I really connected with what she said. Their ability to recognize that the outcome was beyond their control and that no matter what happened, they were going to enjoy their life and make the most of it really resonated with me, and since then I have made a more conscious effort to do that too. I feel like I’m beginning to find the right balance between hope that finding love could still happen for me and acceptance that maybe it won’t, and if it doesn’t that I will be okay and still have a good life.

    There is no easy answer to all this but I hope this community helps us all to feel less alone and to connect with others who get it. Like talimeirav, I am sending you a big hug!

    #1264
    alisenj
    Participant

    I would like to emphasize on this post that there is not a single thing wrong with any one of us. Many authors who write about singleness will also state this. As Mandy Hale, one of my favorite authors at the moment states, “it is what it is”. We just haven’t met our other half yet. I’m a firm believer that this part of our lives is somewhat both within and outside the realm of our control. NO doubt it is absolutely painful to watch other people in our lives couple up and move on.

    I turn 40 in October and aside from a one significant relationship, and a few very short-term boyfriends, I’ve spent the larger part of my life single. Is it what I wanted/expected/desired? Hell no. Do I want to live the rest of my life alone? Absolutely not. However, I’m also not placing my life on pause because of the lack of a spouse/SO….and deep down inside of time, there is optimism that my person is out there.

    As BeachBum states above, I think it is really important that we are out there living our lives, doing what we want to do, traveling, art galleries, cooking classes, whatever your “Jam” is, so to speak.

    I think all of us will agree that when out there dating, people who are living full active lives are vastly more appealing than those who are couch potatoes.

    #1267
    mariposa
    Participant

    I love your post Alisenj and agree wholeheartedly with everything you wrote. I agree with you that falling in love is not fully within our control, and while there are things we can do to somewhat increase our chances, we may as well enjoy the path we’re on, even if it’s not the path we would have chosen.

    #1277
    alisenj
    Participant

    And finding happiness in that non-chosen path is definitely not easy. Trust me. I have my good days and my bad days. And it’s okay to not feel okay. We all need to acknowledge and feel exactly what we’re feeling. :)

    #1283
    mariposa
    Participant

    So true Alisenj. I definitely have my good days and my bad days too.

    #1389
    Valentine
    Participant

    My answer to this might be a little subversive: feel sad. I certainly do, and not just about being single. I’m tired of always feeling the need to wear a public face. I want to be real and if I feel sad, I want to just feel sad, and I don’t want to hide it because it’s socially forbidden. I’m looking to meet other real people, who want to feel optimistic (and confident and happy, etc.) but often don’t. It’s okay to just feel sad. At some point you’ll start feeling something else. We are allowed the full range of human emotion, single or not.

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