Non-reciprocal relationships… every time

It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single Forums Welcome Non-reciprocal relationships… every time

This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  courtney550 9 hours, 46 minutes ago.

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  • #1690

    courtney550
    Participant

    Non-reciprocal relationships have been a trend throughout my entire life. There always seems to be one person who isn’t quite as excited about the other person. One person always has one foot out the door. One person is always holding back, emotionally or physically.

    You would think this would be the most natural human exchange in the world. One person loves and wants to be with their significant other and the other person equally loves and wants to be with them back.

    How people actually experience this is completely beyond me.

    Maybe this is delusional feeling, but I feel like I’m typically the one on the other side of the one-sided romance, meaning I’m the one who likes the other person more.

    Sometimes I wish there was something specific I could change, like if I was making these people less interested because I was sending way too many texts per day… or I wasn’t taking care of myself and looked rough every time they saw me… or I excessively nit-picked or complained about past relationships.

    The maddening thing is that I can’t actually pin-point a single thing I’m “doing wrong.” In fact, I would argue that I’m actually pretty well adjusted and act socially normal (well, “normal” as society might define it lol). These people just aren’t that into me and I’ll never know why.

    • This topic was modified 1 month ago by  courtney550.
    #1692

    angelita
    Participant

    Hello Courtney,

    I am sorry for your experiences. Although I have made mixed experiences, I can understand you very well. What (most of the times) works for me is telling me
    a) that it IS a lot of luck to meet another person that is as much interested in you as you are in that person, is available and wants the same in life as you and
    b) that even if I knew what the other person does not like that much about me – would I like to change? In my last relationship my boyfriend after the falling-in-love phase told me quite explicitly what he did not like in my behaviour and what I should change. This relationship exhausted me like nothing else, even physically. So looking back now, I prefer NOT to have a relationship than having one like this again. If the person loves and appreciates you, he will not care for little things that bother him.
    Sometimes it also works telling you one of these things like “You can do nothing right with the wrong person but you can’t do anything wrong with the right person”.

    #1693

    Angel88
    Participant

    This. Courtney, this is exactly my experience. Except I have never even gotten to the defining a relationship point. It has always been me interested in someone and they are not interested in me. At times they have taken advantage of the situation, other times they have just told me they are not into me and moved right along. I cannot figure out either how it is possible for people to even have reciprocated relationships. It still sounds impossible to me.
    Like angelita said, there is nothing wrong with you, you’re not doing anything wrong even if you’re not “normal” by society’s standard. It’s just luck. But I completely understand that urge to try and change whatever it is you think you’re doing wrong or trying to be different. It still happens to me at times. I get this feeling that maybe if I were more conventionally beautiful, maybe if I could not see sexism from a guy, maybe maybe maybe I would find someone. I have to actively remind myself that it doesn’t matter because I want someone who accepts and loves me as is. It doesn’t have to be that hard.
    I wish I could tell you how to manage, what the formula is… But I am in exactly the same situation as you and always have been.
    The only thing I would remind you of is that when we don’t like something about someone, the issue comes from us. It’s a projection most of the times. When a guy doesn’t like us, more often than not it’s because we represent something for him he hasn’t dealt with and same with us. I know it’s too psychology oriented but I see that being the case many times. The only thing I decided to try lately is trying to make things work with any decent man that approaches me. A friend of mine did that and it was very rough for her at first because she wasn’t into him but she willed herself to at least try to stay close and make friends with him before even going intimate and such and it ended up working for her. She’s in a relationship with that guy now and she’s happy. I know it’s hardly appealing or a formula but I thought that if some gut expressed genuine interest in me, even if I am not convinced, I could at least try, see if I find out more about myself that can point me in the right direction. Now if only I were approached lol.

    #1716

    Courtney – reading your post was actually eerie. It was as if I could have written myself. I have been in several relationships in the past year which have always been one sided. I am starting to think that it is me. Everyone starts off so excited and after awhile they make an excuse to leave and it hurts. I am always left upset and crying and trying to figure out what I did wrong. After awhile it can really mess with your head and self confidence. I see that u are a pretty girl and I am as well so I don’t think the attraction is the problem. Not quite sure why everyone always ends up walking away. Most recently I was in a long distance relationship for a year and one day he just told me he didn’t love me as much as I loved him. I was crushed. This was a couple days ago and I am feeling so depressed. He added insult to injury by telling me he is still thinking of his ex as well. Ouch. I’d love to chat with you. I can’t believe how much we have in common with awful online dating stories. It would be great to talk.

    #1723

    courtney550
    Participant

    Thank you all for the replies! It looks like this may be more common than we think.

    Toryburchshopper197: Wow, we have a lot of similarities between us! I’m sorry to hear you went through that. A little over a year ago I was dating someone who I was completely enamored by. I felt like I had an amazing connection with him, he had so many characteristics that I would love in a person, and he would occasionally say things like, “I’ve never been to this city, WE should go together.” “My brother’s wedding video is almost finished, you should watch it with me.” His family has a different culture than mine, so that also fascinated me about him.
    Well, one day while we were at dinner and things hadn’t been going well he told me “I feel like you might like me more than I like you.”

    I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. My completely heart broke and I’ll still never understand how there was such a huge lapse in interest. I feel like I can tell relatively quickly if it’s not going to work out with someone. How can you date someone for almost a year and just come to the conclusion “Oh yeah, you may like me more than I like you.”

    I’m sorry, but in many cases I feel there is a level of selfishness and stringing the other person along for personal gain (not feeling lonely, etc…).

    I don’t know how to stop this cycle, or if there is really anything to even “stop.” Again, trying to rationalize this I think love is luck and sometimes two people are both willing to equally invest in each other and have a connection.

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