Lost Love

[misstree]

Hi all

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post, but I’m just wondering how do you deal with lost love. Losing a cherished romantic relationship – for whatever reason – is such an incredibly painful experience. And living in a society that champions independence and self-sufficiency, it can be hard to admit that you’re living with heartbreak, that you’re still not over your last relationship.

Would love to hear from you! :)

[Heartsink]

I am dealing with it right now. It wouldn´t call a relationship, but it´s painful either way.
A month ago I met a guy in Iceland (I´m from Spain) and fell instantly for him, which is a thing I thought that would never happen to me again. (It had been some 7 years since I felt like this for anyone). Suddenly, everybody was in black and white and he was in full color.

We were together for 3 days 24 hours and after that, I had to go back to Spain, but I couldn´t stop thinking about him. The whole thing had been so magic, it was really painful.

So, even though he was being kind of tepid about the whole thing, I asked him if he wanted to see me again. He said yes and I went back for a week (I just came back 2 days ago), which was also magic but luckily I got to see other parts of him that I didn´t like so much.

Even so, I really like this guy. And I know he likes me but the way you´d like a pet I guess. I asked him if we´d see each other again and he said “Sure! I just don´t know when or where.” See, he´s an artist, he´s really excentric, outgoing and extrovert, all the things that I´m not. And I suspect a narcisist too. I am dealing with a dependent personality myself.

So, to answer your question, no, I´m not dealing very well with this, even though I´m happy to know that I haven´t lost the ability to fall in love. But yes, it is painful and you suffer a lot, mostly if your friends aren´t available to take a little care of you, which is my case these days. I think the worse part is to have a glimpse at what you could have and then going back to real life.

Thank you for letting me vent, I really needed this. And sorry if I didn´t answer exactly what you were asking.

[misstree]

Hi heartsink

Thank you so much for being so open with your experience! My heart was really touched by your sharing.

I’ll like to share with you a little story, because it sort of reminds me of yours.

A couple of years ago, I had a (very brief) holiday fling with a guy who lives in a different country from me. On the surface, it may have seemed like just another casual affair but for me, it was extraordinary because I had been single (and untouched!) for about a decade then.

I didn’t realise this then, but my dry spell had affected my emotional wellbeing. I was incredibly closed-up, cynical, and fearful. I didn’t admit it to anyone, but there was a huge void in my heart.

However, spending time with this guy felt like I’d finally found a huge missing piece. It was like something finally clicked, and it brought out all kinds of positive feelings like happiness and contentment. Because we both knew we probably wouldn’t see each other again after the end of my holiday, there wasn’t any burden of expectations to weigh us down. After spending a long time questioning my self-worth, it was nice to have someone make me feel special again (and to return the favour, of course).

When I returned to my country, I did feel sad that nothing more was going to blossom from our experience together but till today, I have zero regrets. Being with this guy opened up my heart in a big way, and helped me be more vulnerable in love. (Which led me down the road to falling in love again … and then losing that love, hence my original post. haha)

I guess what I’m trying to say to you is … as devastating and heartbreaking as it is to lose this connection, I think there is plenty for you to be grateful for as well. You mentioned it’s been 7 years since you last felt this way. Isn’t it magical and soul-affirming to experience the great wash of love all over again? :)

Why not give thanks that you had the privilege of loving someone and being loved in return … no matter how short-lived?

Think about it. Each day, you encounter hundreds, if not thousands of people. Yet, this one person, no different from any other person, wanders into your life and for some reason, both of you establish a connection. I can tell you, this is not a common occurrence, which is what makes it so valuable.

Yes, it is also equal parts painful to lose the connection. And by all means, grief. Cry. Rage. Do whatever you need to feel the pain. But do also know that the reason why you’re feeling such deep pain is also because you loved deeply. Whether or not this relationship works out in the end, what you shared was real and beautiful and moving. And nobody can ever, ever take that away from you.

<3

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone!

I have a similar problem and I will be grateful for all suggestions. I actually really enjoy being single. I have good friends, I enjoy working on my graduate studies in Literature, I enjoy living and traveling by myself and I am close to my sisters.
However, a part of me misses my last boyfriend, who broke up with me 5 years ago after a very short relationship. We were both international graduate students in the U.S. and he had to leave after graduation.
After him, I mostly identify as asexual as I don’t feel the need for dating. The few dates I have had since then are with men who turned out to be even dangerous (one of them try to forced his stay in my apartment for one night, the other is currently under a Title ix investigation— thankfully I ended our date way before anything could happen).
In 4 years in my new university, I have only liked 2 men, both of whom turned out to have girlfriends.
Other than that, the idea of having the energy or the hope to date seems like a foreign language to me. I cannot even imagine it. I am happy being single, with the exception of the times when I miss my ex-boyfriend. I am not sure how to self identify (asexual, crazy for not being over someone?).
I have considered doing therapy but I also don’t want to be shamed over my sexuality (or lack of sexual desire) but more importantly, I am embarrassed that I have not let go of this person in my heart (even though we have no contact). Please help me with your advise !!!

[MissDee03]

Feelings are so frustrating sometimes, right?! I was reading these posts, trying to remember what I’ve done in the past to get over crushes or my last (and only) relationship. I think sometimes feelings have to just run their course. The one thing that sticks out in my mind as being helpful was staying busy. I found that if I distracted myself with fun activities I ended up ruminating less.

I also found encouragement in a book called, “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.” It’s super old. From the 90s, I think? (Pretty sure it references pagers and answering machines.) It’s a silly book, but I found that it had some helpful tips when I found myself pining away for a past relationship.

[Anonymous]

MissDee03,

Thank you so much for your kind and compassionate reply. Not a lot of people respond to other people’s doubts with such empathy. And I really appreciate it as it was very difficult for me to share this. I will definitely look for this book. :)

[mamey2422]

I agree with everyone’s posts. All were so eloquent. I will add Sara Eckel’s advice on this (at least I think it was from her) that it’s normal to feel sad and lonely after a breakup and you should feel Shame about that. Also, focus on the positives you experienced from the relationship and how that relationship has helped you grow and mature.

[Author]

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