Life Long Singleton

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  LoneStar 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #1598

    Marienkaefer
    Participant

    Is there anyone out there who has been a life long singleton? Other then two flings with the same guy at age 18 and 22, my love life has pretty much been at a standstill. I’ve had really great guy friends but nothing evolved into a relationship. I guess I always thought it would eventually happen organically like meeting someone at the produce section of a grocery store..haha but nope. I don’t think I’m particularly hideous. Just an introvert who regrets not attending more parties in her youth. I’m 36 years old now and just ventured onto online dating where guys my age want women in their twenties. Sigh.

    #1600

    alisenj
    Participant

    I turned 40 in October, and aside from 2 intense/serious relationships in my life, I’ve pretty much been single.

    I’m dipping my toe into online dating in 2017, and my age range will be 35 to 45. One’s age and what they want can differ for anyone. For me, I want someone who has life experience, as well as emotional maturity (which comes with life experience). That being said, someone in their 50’s is too told for me….their at a different stage in my life.

    I do still want kids, which will either happen or not. Men who are in their early 40’s and still want kids will probably go for women in their early-mid thirties. When I was 35, I dated someone who was 40. I had zero problem with that.

    Honestly speaking, I don’t think a 40 year old guy would want to date a 25 year old…same with even a 35 year old guy….two totally different life stages.

    Hang in there and get out to activities doing whatever it is that you like. For me, it’s traveling more, going to museums, the symphony, the movies, etc.

    #1601

    mariposa
    Participant

    Yes! I could have written a lot of your post. I too am 36 and my love life has been pretty much non-exsitent, aside from several mini-relationships that lasted a couple of months at the most. It’s not what I wanted, it’s just how things worked out, but it’s a hard place to be and I agree that online dating in our mid-30’s isn’t easy for the reason you mentioned, along with the (at least partly self-imposed) weight of having so little relationship experience at this age.

    I’m more of an ambivert than an introvert (I like to socialize but like my downtime too), but for whatever it’s worth, I did go to parties a lot when I was younger and for me it didn’t change anything. Of course that’s just one person’s experience, but maybe that helps if you’re feeling regret about the things you did or didn’t do in the past. For me, I regret not focusing more actively on finding a relationship in my early and mid 20’s (not necessarily to find THE relationship, but just to have gotten some more life experience before I started feeling so paralyzed by my lack of experience). Like you, I always thought it would just happen, and I guess in our defence, for most of my friends it DID just happen. Very few of them had to go to great lengths to find their partners – most met them just going about their daily lives (at university, at work, at parties/bars). So I guess in that way, our instincts about that weren’t wrong, but knowing what I know now there are definitely some things I would have done differently. Hindsight is always 20/20 though, right?

    #1602

    Reds10
    Participant

    30 and also a life-long single person. I used to beat myself up over my lack of relationship experience, but I can’t imagine having the life and opportunities I have now if I were building and/or maintaining a relationship with someone. I got really aggressive about going back to school and my career, and I don’t think it would’ve happened if I were dating. Granted, the right person would’ve given me the time and space to do it, but almost all the men I’ve gone out with in my adult life have assumed I’ll drop everything to see them. I feel more myself at 30 than I ever did in my 20s, and even though I’ve felt lonely at times, I remind myself that the feeling is only temporary.

    #1606

    Angel88
    Participant

    Here. I’m 31 and I’ve never been in a relationship. I can sum up my experience with men as follows: grew up bullied because of my looks, so evidently I was always very self-conscious and that may have played a big role. Chased men I liked but none of them wanted a relationship with me. Some just wanted sex, but that was it. I spent most of my time climbing out of poverty, going to university and working my butt off to finally live in Europe, as I always dreamed. Not much time for socializing and then again I’m sort of introverted even though I have no trouble approaching people and holding my own in deep conversation. Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted a boyfriend, but I have had the most rotten luck with it. Many people say it’s because I’m not flirty nor accepting of flaws… But the flaws they talk about are flat out b.s. Type of flaws: misogynistic, sexist attitudes and just plain subpart, abusive treatment, so I tend to disagree with their assertion. I can be sweet and kind, but if I don’t like something, anyone will know. Some people say men are intimidated by that, but personally I refuse to make myself less just so a man likes me. I have tried that before and it has been terrible for me anyway. It’s not sustainable to try and be something I am not.
    I have been thinking about why I have been single since the last time I had a man I was interested in reject me, and yes, I have found many things I have done wrong. I didn’t really know myself well as a teenager nor in my twenties, so I molded myself into what I thought the guy I liked wanted in a woman and that is certainly not attractive. Also, I picked men who were unavailable without even realizing. I see those things clearly now and I am working on figuring out who I truly am, being more conscientious about who I would like to be with. Part of me fears opening up to a man because I am afraid of rejection, and part of me just knows finding a man who is a good fit for me is very very difficult, so I’ve been feeling a bit more accepting of my singledom. I try to look on the bright side and I realize that failing to find a partner in those men I chose in the part was a blessing: I wouldn’t have achieved much of what I have if I had sacrificed my dreams just to be with someone, and I think I would have when I was younger.
    Some days I feel very lonely and would love to have a special man and a wonderful partnership, but I am learning to be ok on my own for my own peace of mind.

    #1622

    Marienkaefer
    Participant

    Thank you for all of your replies. Although everyone’s life journey is different, I’m beginning to think it’s just being at the right place at the right time when it comes to meeting someone for a serious relationship. I know people who are more introverted than myself who seemingly found a partner. I’ve been reflecting on my life experiences in my twenties and early thirties and I am convinced that the goals I’ve accomplished would not have happened if I was coupled up. For example, I’ve lived abroad four times on four different continents in my twenties and finished graduate degree in my early thirties. I don’t think my life is boring by any means but when I think of how many men I’ve crossed paths with over the years, I just feel regret that nothing happened – not even another fling!

    I have been trying to actively attend meet ups (especially single meet ups) and I went to two events last week. I’m not a social butterfly so it’s pretty exhausting but I do feel better for putting myself out there. I’m not having much success with online dating so far but I will keep at it since I’ve paid for it (otherwise I think I would give up). Actually, today is suppose to be “Dating Sunday” the most popular day for sending/receiving messages. Sigh. I keep telling myself it’s a numbers game and that just because a romantic relationship has never happened in the past doesn’t mean it won’t happen in the future. Got to keep positive!

    #1623

    Angel88
    Participant

    Thank you, Marienkäfer, for starting this thread. I keep remembering something a friend of mine kept telling me. We only know our past, but we don’t know what the future holds. We simply can’t know. Let’s focus on living our present the best way we can and keep hope alive for those things we truly wish from the heart. It helps me get through it when I feel sad.
    Lately I’ve been questioning whether my wanting a partner has more to do with societal programming than my actual desire and I can’t tell for sure. I will say though that being single is very very easy for me… I don’t know any other way to be lol. And I had never thought about the good things about being single. I’m beginning to appreciate my life this way. I still would love to meet a kind, compatible and loving partner, but I’m ok now.
    May I ask if you live in Germany?

    #1631

    Marienkaefer
    Participant

    Angel88, I am from Canada. I lived in Germany as an exchange student when I was “young” lol.

    Being single is so easy for me too and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. You definitely learn how to be self-reliant and to value independence. Last year I made the decision to live alone too so I’m self-sufficient as well. It does get lonely from time to time and I wonder what it would be like to share a space with a partner. I do believe it will happen one day. I just hope it’s sooner rather than later :o)

    #1632

    LoneStar
    Participant

    Angel 88 I LOVE what you wrote here:

    Many people say it’s because I’m not flirty nor accepting of flaws… But the flaws they talk about are flat out b.s. Type of flaws: misogynistic, sexist attitudes and just plain subpart, abusive treatment, so I tend to disagree with their assertion. I can be sweet and kind, but if I don’t like something, anyone will know. Some people say men are intimidated by that, but personally I refuse to make myself less just so a man likes me.

    So true! being assertive is not the same as being mean, and we have every right to stand up for ourselves.

    As for me, yes I am a lifelong singleton. I had one semi-serious “relationship” but as they say, hindsight is 20-20. And when I looked back at our interactions, I realized he was not that into me and I was just going through the motions because it was the first seemingly nice guy to show up and I was in my late 20s. Other than that, it’s been like a desert wasteland. It can really take its toll on one’s self-esteem, when one doesn’t get the same attention as other girls, but then I wonder if that is better for me, because I don’t need every guy’s attention, just one’s. :)

    #1633

    Angel88
    Participant

    I hear you, Lonestar. Oh how I do. That trying and going through the motions or bending over backwards to make someone like us because we like them and they’re the only guy that has smiled back at us in… Forever. That was me, too. It’s funny to think about this attention piece so present in women’s lives. There’s the girl who’s bullied and abused because she’s “ugly”, and the girl who’s always praised and turns heads because she’s “beautiful”. I used to think as the “ugly” girl, I had it worse because getting a man to notice me in a positive way, much less have him be nice to me was like mission impossible. So whenever a guy was barely decent to me, I got my hopes up and turned into a mirror of what I thought he wanted in a girl. God, I feel so embarrassed now. Of course that guy never cared but I kept trying for years on end nonetheless. And then, there were my friends. Interestingly enough, they were all walking cover girls according to beauty standards. They got any boy they wanted, never had trouble getting attention. But now, as a more grown woman, I see that my friends’ lives aren’t necessarily better. They were cheated on, mistreated, left, and hurt regardless. They still turn heads, but most of the men who approach them are flat out gross human beings sometimes. My closest friend is a gorgeous woman. She’s lovely and yet, most of the men who court her and chase her are men with no morals, no serious intentions and weird views of life. They chase and then when she opens the door, they start ignoring her or treating her like a trophy, but not like a human being worthy of love and respect. I realized that there is no magic formula for anything and that my looks wouldn’t have changed my experience much. After all, we all make mistakes and end up having difficult experiences. I know it probably sounds silly to say I used to believe if I looked better, different, then things would be better with men. Being around my wonderful friends has shown me that it’s a fallacy. There is a big component of chance. There’s a lot we can control, like what kind of people we choose to have around us, like what behaviors we can stop and what behaviors we can cultivate and what we believe at the core, but whether we find a wonderful partner or not is not completely under our control. I have learned in the last three years that we are all doing the best we can with what we have, that none of us has the key, and none of us has any guarantees of anything in life. I have also learned that having boundaries and respecting ourselves is crucial to live more peacefully and that being who we are at the core while working on our attitudes when it fits is the best we can do for the best and for the world, plus the only way we have a better chance of meeting someone compatible with us, the real us.
    I think on a societal level, there is so much programming we have been exposed to that we need to undo. It’s quite a challenge and process to understand that our sex,gender identity, nationality, etc does not dictate anything about us and does not define us.
    It’s been a challenge for me to own who I am: a vulnerable, scaridy cat who feels deeply, but who can be passionate about both things I like and things I dislike, who puts her foot in her mouth a lot, who talks a lot and who cares too much about social matters. A girl who overthinking everything, who gets defensive and who just has no more tolerance for bad treatment. A girl who has a hard time being practical and industrious and who cries at the drop of a hat. A girl who is difficult to get to know, who can be assertive and moody, but who also keeps compassion alive for people. I have come to accept who I am, my insecurities, and good parts, but sometimes it’s hard being me. It’s alright. I’m so glad I’m not alone in my singledom, that I’m not the only girl in the world who’s never had a boyfriend or reciprocated love.
    And wow, what a long post. That’s another thing I do…. I talk a lot! Lol

    #1637

    LoneStar
    Participant

    Yes, Angel88. What’s worse is I didn’t even like the guy, but was just going through the motions because he was the first half-way decent guy, so I ignored all the red flags or things that I didn’t like. Plus my family wasn’t making it easier for me and I wasn’t getting any easier, blah blah. I was relieved when it ended, which is a big sign that it

    wasn’t good to begin with, lol.

    I think on a societal level, there is so much programming we have been exposed to that we need to undo. It’s quite a challenge and process to understand that our sex,gender identity, nationality, etc does not dictate anything about us and does not define us.

    Yes ma’am! To unlearn and learn is very hard, but knowing that we need to undo th programming is the first step. :)

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