Is it okay to settle?

[courtney550]

A little background: My ex-fiance and I were together for 5 years and lived together for 4 of those years. He made the decision to leave during the wedding planning process. That was a few years ago and I’ve since gone on many dates (most of them were from online dating, a few were friends of friends). I’ve been on at least one first date with 28 different men since my ex-fiance and I broke-up.

Dating and finding even a remotely mutual connection has proven to be one of the most difficult things I’ve experienced because there are so many variables and a lot of it has been out of my control.

Sara’s book resonated with me more than any other “dating” book I’ve read. I took time to “get right with myself.” I signed up for yoga and painting classes alone because everyone told me “you have to be happy alone before you can make anyone else happy.” I even went across the country alone to visit a city I’ve always wanted to go to! While I’m still happy I did these things, I don’t think I was a lost soul desperately in need of doing all of these things alone. I feel quite capable of doing these things alone and being content… but I also value companionship.

I like romantic relationships. I like holding hands, sharing inside jokes, blushing over a compliment, kissing someone goodnight, the feeling of accomplishment when you help someone you care about, etc…

I’ve been seeing someone for 3 months now. He’s a respectful, successful, kind man. He’s emotionally reserved and very hesitant to open-up though (which he admits). Because of this, we don’t have as many moments where sparks fly because he’s kind of closed off… but overall he treats me well and has been opening up very slowly.

I will admit though that even with him, sometimes I feel lonely. Sometimes I want that new relationship “crazy about you” feeling. I want a random call or text where he says good night just because he was thinking of me. We don’t exactly have that, but the companionship we have is better than being alone. I believe many of us are social creatures and it’s natural to thrive with companionship as opposed to without it. I’m not close with my family and my close friends are married/have kids/in serious relationships. When I’m single, I’m quite literally alone.

Is it okay to settle? What are everyone’s thoughts on this?

[Angel88]

Hi,Courtney.
There are two things that give me
Pause from your post: you say you feel
Lonely even with him, but then you
Say you think being with him is better
Than being alone.
I have the feeling you are acting out
Of fear. I know being single can get
Tough, but I don’t think being with
Someone for the sake of being in a
Relationship is not necessarily better.
The question to ask yourself is if this
Is truly enough without kidding
Yourself. Being fully honest will
Help you get clearer on what to do.
I don’t know what’s right for you,
Only you know that. I am guessing this man is not it and you are going for
“better than nothing”
The crazy about you feeling is very fleeting on the other hand.
What exactly is it that makes you feel that way about someone? Sometimes chemistry is a pattern, and more often than not, a bad one. I do not know if you have already looked into that yet, but maybe that’s also worth questioning.
Good luck to you and clarity your way.

[vessna76]

Hi Courtney,

Like Angel88, the fact that you feel lonely when you’re with him really stands out to me. I suspect that as time goes on, this feeling will increase.

This is exactly the type of settling that is not worth it. When I think of settling I think of someone who may not make me weak in my knees but I am also NEVER lonely with them.

It’s hard to be single. I miss all the things that you miss too but you’re already lonely in this relationship so you might as well be lonely alone.

[SingingSteph]

It comes down to this: are you more afraid of being single than you are of ending up with the wrong person?

Whether or not you’re settling depends on what you want. If getting married and having lifetime companionship is your goal, you could do far worse than marrying a kind, successful, respectful man. If this type of companionship is preferable to you to being single, you’re not settling.

If your goal is to find the person you’re truly happy to be around, who can communicate only with you, and who will disappoint you occasionally but mainly is the person you simply can’t wait to see every day, then yes, you would be settling.

I was in an almost identical situation about a month ago. I, too, had been dating a guy for about three months and he was my first relationship after my headed-for-marriage boyfriend and I broke up 3 years ago (with many bad online dates in between!). Like your guy, he was successful, a good human being, and we had some common interests. Trouble was, after a while I realized there was nothing there on a deeper level. His idea of a fulfilling partnership was very different than mine.

I finally had to decide if I was going to make my choice based on fear or hope. I do fear not finding my special person, but what I fear MORE is what would eventually happen to me being with someone who makes me feel empty. It would have bred resentment, loneliness, and depression. Not only that, it would have hurt HIM. I don’t think it’s fair to either party to stay in a relationship you’re not excited about. They deserve to find someone who’s crazy about them, too.

I know this is hard and it’s easy to second-guess yourself. I only hope you’ll stay true to what you’re feeling. If your gut is telling you you’re lonely with him, listen. If your gut is telling you that you’re happier with him than without him, listen. Good luck.

[SingingSteph]

Oops, in the third paragraph above I meant to write above “who can communicate OPENLY with you,” not “only” (autocorrect).

[courtney550]

First, thank you all so much for your insight and perspectives. I love having a community who understands and I feel I can post on here without judgement.

I’m honestly feeling quite lost right now. Sometimes I question if what I’m looking for is realistic and healthy (I have had co-dependent relationships in the past to the point of borderline separation anxiety. This is something I’ve talked to a counselor about because it may stem from past family issues).

That’s a whole different story though. I think I need to do some more thinking on whether I’m afraid of being alone and that’s the reason I’m staying with him.

He is a great guy though and there are moments when he goes out of his way to make me feel happy and cared about. Also, we’ve only been dating for 3 months. 3 months ago we were literally strangers and things need to develop and evolve organically. Sometimes this takes longer than 12 short weeks.

Just need a little more time to see where this goes and how I feel.

[beachbum]

Oh boy, Courtney, can I relate! I too have a broken engagement in my not so distant past. In the past year since my breakup, I have been out with exactly 21 men, most of whom I met online. I decided to take a hiatus from online dating, but anyhow, that’s besides the point. All I can say is that I can relate to everything you’re going through. Broken engagements have their own special kind of sadness.

As far as settling goes — at the risk of sounding trite, I think these things just have a way of working out. In time you’ll probably figure out you just can’t make a go of it with this guy, but that might be revealed with more time. He seems a little slow to warm up, so this one might take longer to figure out. I think we’ve all dated our fair share of nice people who we’re just not quite sure about. One sure sign I always found when someone was wrong for me was, “Wow, he’s a nice guy, but he annoys the sh*t out of me.”

I just don’t ever think it’s okay to settle. It’s depriving the other person of finding someone who really is into him. And it’s creating your own prison. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, but it’s just how I feel about settling as a general concept.

[courtney550]

Beachbum: Thank you for your response! It sounds like we have a similar past and I hope it ultimately brings us to a better understanding of ourselves, what we’re looking for, and love in general.

I think you brought up something important. One of the reasons it’s not okay to settle is because it deprives the other person of finding someone who truly loves them. While I thought about this and believe it’s true, but my situation may be a little different.

I really like the guy I’m currently seeing, but as I mentioned he’s very reserved. I’ve made an effort to spend more time with him (we only live a 10 minute drive apart and still only see each other 2-3 days per week). He’s also never called me just to chat. I don’t think he feels comfortable talking on the phone. But he’all say, “I’ll drop you off at home, I’m going to go for a walk.” I’ve offered to come on a walk with him for company (and a chance to get to know each other more) and he politely declines every time and kind of days “Well, I’m not really sure how long of a walk it’ll be… etc”

Since we’re three months into dating I’ve tried to have a couple more “intimate” conversations so we can feel closer. I asked him if he’d ever been in love before and he made it clear that he wasn’t comfortable talking to me about it. He was very short, didn’t engage in conversation, and didn’t ask me questions about the subject. So I dropped it.

I want to be closer to him and I feel if he let me in we could potentially have a very fulfilling relationship. He’s opened up a couple of times (sometimes under the influence of alcohol) and our communication flowed wonderfully.

Sometimes I feel like he’d almost also settling for me. Like it’s just convenient to have a female presence in his life and to sometimes have a dinner companion or a guest to take to an event.

If time does not bring us closer, then maybe I should consider ending it for BOTH of us to have the opportunity to find more compatible matches. I would love to experience being with someone who is very interested in me.

[Angel88]

Dear Courtney,

Reading your second post makes me feel ugh… I don’t think this man is a good match for you. What you describe doesn’t sound like a man worth getting to know because he’s keeping you at arms length and I personally think that three months in is enough time to be more open about answering a simple question like “have you ever been in love”. I have had dates with men who opened up about it within the first 3 dates and without too much reservation. If you need closeness, he is showing you he is not a good match. Another clue is that a person with whom it’s only fun to have a candid conversation with when they’re inebriated is really not healthy for a mature, close, loving relationship. We all have our flaws, but personally, I consider this a major one. Of course you’re the one who knows best what’s going on, but judging from your last comment…. I’m not very optimistic.

[LoneStar]

Hi Courtney,

Lots of great advice has already been given and I think deep down you know the answer. That doesn’t make it any easier. One conversation I’ve had with one of my friends (who has been engaged twice and married once) is the tricky :not the worst” guy. It’s easier to say no to the jerk, the guy who we just KNOW is not right for us. But harder to say no to is the guy who sounds great on paper…the “not the worst”, the “he’ll do” guy. I recall Sara’s chapter in her book “You should have married that guy”, the one that everyone will tell you you’re crazy for not marrying because he was “so nice”. It’s harder because people will look at us like we’re truly crazy to have let such a wonderful person go for such (what they see as) “superficial” reasons, thinking we were waiting for butterflies or fireworks, when all we wanted is something more than “blah”. And it solved the short-term problem of being alone but not the long term problem of being lonely. And being lonely in someone’s presence feels far worse than being lonely alone (hence why the rest of us are here).

However, no one can tell us how to feel about a certain person. We’re all different and therefore so is our compatibility with other people. We’ve seen how one person could be best friends with someone that we can’t stand. And like Sara says in the book, settling is more cruel than breaking up with the person because, as others have noted, you take away their opportunity to be with someone who wants to be with them and vice versa.

I feel like a good friendship, a good relationship should not have to be forced into “clicking”. I do believe some harmful ideas about love are perpetuated by Hollywood (that it has to be some hot and heavy passionate romance) and there should be some things there that should make you decide YES! If you’re even asking, I think that’s one red flag (as Sara says “it’s settling if it feels like settling”).

I like this article about How to pic a life partner (part 2 actually gives the advice).

Best to you and all of us!

[Author]

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