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Something I really struggle with when dating is how to answer questions about my (lack of) relationship history. Within a few dates, the question about past relationships inevitably comes up, and I never know how to answer this. I want to be honest, but as someone in my 30’s with little relationship history, I know that isn’t the norm. I’ve had experiences where the tone of the date has changed after disclosing that I’ve been single for most of my life, and a lot of men seem to see this as a red flag. Does anyone have tips for how to handle this topic when it comes up on a date?
I find that honesty is the best policy. I also know that how I present that information makes a difference – body language, tone of voice, the words I use. If I present it as something that I’m shameful about (which I do feel sometimes) then it will be received that way too. I usually say something like “I’ve been single for awhile” (in a non discouraged way) and see how it goes from there. If more questions come up as to why, I stay focused on honesty. “I don’t know why, it just hasn’t worked out yet for me.” I sometimes wish I had a very colorful, dramatic dating history because somehow that seems more socially acceptable. But whatever relationship history you have, if you’re on a date with someone, it means you’re both single and looking to find a relationship. If a guy thinks I’m a weirdo for my long time single hood then he is not the guy for me. Sara talks about this in her book and how she had the conversation with her boyfriend. He was grateful that her circumstances led her to him. The right guy for you will feel the same way!
Imagine being a guy in his 40s and having this same question posed on dates. Yes, for various reasons (and it’s not because I was a commitment phobe) I also didn’t do much dating or have much to talk about in the way of relationships at that point in my life. And there are some very good possible reasons … people have unfortunate emotional things happen to them early in life that take time to work through, people are abused when they are younger, people have parents or siblings that are disabled or ill and need constant care over years, etc etc etc.
I can’t bring much perspective to this as a woman. But as a guy, with all due respect to mamey2422, you just can’t be completely honest. There isn’t a choice. It’s a very very cruel world out there. People are just LOOKING for reasons to reject. Why? Because everyone is scared. And especially when you get into the divorce demographic of people in their 40s and 50s? They will look at you like you are from another planet if you tell them that you haven’t been married no less don’t have much relationship history. Yet, you can’t really make stuff up completely. Because sooner or later, unless you are very very sly … you will get caught without the right details.
What I think the best thing to do is is to try to deflect it. It doesn’t work all the time, but it worked for me once or twice. Something like “Well, there have been relationships and Lord knows there have been plenty of dates, just that there hasn’t been anything that’s worked out”. If they press further for more details (on a 1st date)? “There will be plenty of time to go into more detail if we decide to get to know each other better”. If they keep pressing, throw $20 down on the table and leave. Because that means they are not interested in getting to know YOU … it means that they have an agenda or that they are scared of their own shadow (which unfortunately most people in the 40s/50s demographic are).
It’s a shame that so many people just aren’t interested in taking risks and getting to know someone for what’s in their heart. They think they can minimize the risk of getting hurt by eliminating the very kind of person that is likely NOT to hurt them, while they may very well go out and find a person who’s been divorced once or twice … or in many relationships … and he/she may turn out to hurt them to the point of devistation because they are no better a risk.
My advice is to develop some type of script as a base that you can work with. Maybe not what I have suggested above, but something that you think may work. Speak to a therapist about it. And jump on it NOW while you still have some good opportunity. Once you get well into your 40s, it gets tougher and tougher.
I think we’re on the same page eldogg. You’re answer is a honest one and one that I often say because it’s true (“it just hasn’t worked out”). I also agree about scripting an answer and finding the right words that feel right to you since we know the question will come up. I also agree that if a date really presses and makes it an issue (especially on the first date) then it’s probably best to end the night. I have a friend who didn’t date much at all in her 30s and 40s and had actually given up on the idea of meeting anyone. But she did and is a long term, serious relationship, entered into in her late 40s. So, as we know, there is no rule book. I appreciate your male perspective, eldogg. I mostly only talk about this with woman. As a man, I’m curious what you would think if a thirty-something female date told you she had little relationship experience. Maybe you can help us break up the bugaboo we have about it. 😊
Quite honestly, mamey2422 … it wouldn’t deter me a bit. But I’m probably quite different from other people out there. Because I have been discounted so many times as good relationship material and given the third degree by so many people … I am more open than most. I’m in my 50s now, but I would love to have the opportunity to date someone in their 30s or 40s (well, maybe 30s would be a bit too young) who has little relationship experience. Maybe she … like I … would be more compassionate and understanding of each other in a relationship because of our experiences in life. Would I be concerned about her being a commitment phobe? Yes, and I would probably have a conversation with her about it (not on the first date but not too far down the road) and once I was comfortable with taking a risk, I’d do whatever I had to to make it work if I was attracted to her and she was a good person. Even if it meant going to a therapist together or having to take it slow or maybe even having to teach her sexually. Because truthfully, even two very sexually experienced people have to learn about each other sexually anyway.
I’m glad to hear that your friend found love. I too am at the point where I am ready to give up. I’m tired of expending the energy only to find that others aren’t willing to try at this point in life. Maybe it can still happen. We shall see.
Mariposa- i’ll be 40 in October and have had 2 significant relationships in my life (not counting high school). I dated more in my 20’s than I have in my 30’s. Bottom line, everyone’s life experience is different and I don’t think anyone can be judged. HOnesty is always the best policy, but I feel that if men and women alike cannot handle a prospective life partner’s response as to why the lack of relationship history, then that person is not for them.
I think honesty is the best policy as everyone else has said. The right person will still find you appealing as a potential partner. The wrong people will question you rather than consider that no one’s life is alike.
Alisenj … your sentiment is wonderful but very idealistic. It would truly be wonderful if people in the dating world (especially in and around NYC where I am located) were not so judgemental and one could have hope that if one or two or three individuals “aren’t for them”, maybe number four or five could be. But I have to tell you that in my experience and in the experience of my male friends, this is just not the way things are … especially in the over 40 demographic.
So yes, it is always the best approach to be yourself, to be proud of who you are, to be happy with yourself and to just have the attitude that this person and that person just aren’t right for you. The harsh reality of the dating world, however, is that 95% of the people out there are very scared and are very judgemental and will reject you and toss you aside in a split second with very little cause. You can certainly maintain the very healthy attitude that you propose … and you may never meet someone because you will go from person to person and it is highly unlikely that you will find someone who “understands” this “taboo” of situations in dating where there is a lack of relationship experience. That is your choice and if it makes you happy, that is certainly all well and good. The other option … unfortunately made necessary by the harsh realities of the dating world … is if 95% of the people out there are likely to reject you, you have to figure out a way to make some adjustments to lower that percentage. There simply is no other option if being in a relationship is important to you.
This all of course is my opinion.
eldogg – I am going to respectfully disagree with you and furthermore, if more than 95% of the dating population is scared and judgmental, then those two qualities alone will keep them from a relationship.
You’re absolutely correct! And in my observation (and in the experience of my friends), I would say that 95% of the population in my dating demographic aren’t getting into relationships as a result. Remember, I told you that this starts kicking in with a vengeance after 40. We have experienced a distinct ambivalence about being in a relationship at this point in life to the point where generally, people just don’t want to put in the effort. And unfortunately, unless you happen to get very lucky and both of your knees are wobbling the first time you meet, there is effort that is necessary. Just our expereriences and observation dating in our 40s/50s in the NYC area. I’m glad to hear if you have experienced differently :-).
Whenever I start “seeing” a guy and am awaiting the inevitable question, I will always recall Sara’s story of when she met her husband, of how he brushed it off and call the other guys “idiots” for not seeing what he sees. One guy I was talking to online asked me “why has it taken you soooo long” to get married. There were other reasons I stopped talking to him but that was a definite issue.
As I’ve matured and experienced things in life, I know it’s just not that simple and some (maybe a lot?) of people out there are just married for the sake of marriage. I admit I used to question why a guy would be of a certain age and not married (with women it was more understandable), but now I choose to be more open minded and give him the same courtesy I would want from a man.
So yeah I think when it comes down to it, the “right” person won’t look at it like something is wrong with you (as per book) but that life is just not the same for everyone.
Okay, here’s my take: I actually don’t believe that dating is a numbers game–it’s not really about impressing 95% of the people you meet. It’s about finding the one who likes you regardless of your relationship history. And it only has to be one. Granted, I DID fudge it on my first date with Mark–I just said a “long time” and he left it at that. But the fact that he didn’t press it told me something important about him, that he was just making conversation and didn’t really care. And I think THAT’S the important thing–if someone is pressing it, if they’re really drilling down with the “how long” question then that just doesn’t sound like a very nice person to date.
Sure, there are a lot of frightened, shut down people in the world. But if something like your dating history scares them away then it seems to me that’s for the better.
I haven’t been on a date in way too long, so I don’t know…but when friends and acquaintances ask, I tell them that life got in the way. The ones that tsk-tsk or start to lecture me might get a less-than-nice recap, which includes things like major health issues, a few deaths and catastrophes in the family, and a felony assault (I was the victim). “I had sort of a full plate dealing with those.” The condescension usually stops at that point.
But someone who isn’t condescending probably has a worldview more compatible with mine. Sometimes life DOES throw people enormous challenges, and making time and emotional energy for a date is way down the priorities list, way past things like “surviving.” If someone responds in a way that hints that they understand life isn’t the same for everyone, I can either pass over it lightly or touch on whatever’s relevant in a much more matter-of-fact way. Maybe I can even make it funny, if they like gallows humor. (A man who has a wise, compassionate outlook AND a gallows sense of humor is WAY my kinda guy, so that whole question can be a great litmus test of compatibility in a date or a friend/wingman.)
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