Friendship

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  • #1465
    Lurline93
    Participant

    Hi Everyone!

    These past few days I’ve been thinking about what works and hasn’t worked for me in regards to building relationships (platonic and romantic). I’ve noticed that it’s very easy for me to find friends. Oftentimes I find friends through mutual activities, classes, and I’ve been fortunate to have some great i conversations with people when traveling solo across Europe.

    However, meeting people for the purpose of dating seems more forced for me. Guys I know in really life almost never express interest in me on a romantic level, and the interactions with guys I have online are mixed. But altogether, I’ve never met someone who I just click with.

    Can anyone else relate? Platonic relationships come to me so easy. The people who are my friends love me just as I am and the feeling is mutual. It’s the intimate romantic attempts for a relationship that are so difficult.

    #1471
    mariposa
    Participant

    Hi Lurline93,

    I’ve had similar experiences and can definitely relate. I’ve always made friends pretty easily and have kept a close group of friends from each of my major life stages – high school, university, travel experiences, various jobs I’ve had. Some of those friends live in other places now, and many are at a different stage of life at the moment than I am (and sometimes that makes me feel a bit disconnected, which i posted about in another thread), but overall those relationships developed easily and have stood the test of time.

    Romantic love hasn’t come so easily. I’ve had several 1-2 month relationships and lots of first/second/third dates, but nothing beyond that. I’ve fallen for guys who haven’t loved me back, and I’ve had guys fall for me who I haven’t been into. I never seem to click with anyone who also clicks with me.

    I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why this is and I don’t really have an answer. But I do think that while we often compare them and many of the skills involved are the same, finding a relationship is just a messier, more complicated process than finding and building friendships. With friendship, you have the time and the space to let those relationships develop at their own pace and with multiple people at a time. Eventually, some of those people might become part of your inner circle, but it doesn’t have the same impact if they don’t, because you still have other friends. With dating, there are so many other things on the table – sex/intimacy, exclusivity, etc. – that don’t come into play with friendship. You’re trying to find one specific person who can meet all of your needs, whereas with friends different people can take on different roles (the friend you call for a fun night out might not be the same person you would call after getting bad news). The stakes are just higher with dating, and the stars need to align in a much greater way for it all to work out. I don’t know if that helps, but I know that when I think about it this way I’m not quite as hard on myself for the fact that it hasn’t happened yet.

    It sounds like you have great relationship building skills and lots of good things going on in your life, and I think you just need to keep doing what you’re doing. Those experiences will only make your life richer, and you never know who you might meet through the friendships you’ve made and whether that might lead to finding love down the road. All you can do is keep reaching out and trying to make connections with people. The rest really just comes down to luck.

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