November 18, 2016 at 6:10 PM #1531
Due to where Scotland is situated now that the clocks have gone back it’s pitch black right now at 5.50 pm as I’m typing this. Since it’s a Friday night, lots of people will be coming home, getting changed and showered, getting ready for their big night out (in my city of Glasgow, Scotland that often means people having drinks at home before they even leave for the bars). I like an occasional drink but I’m not a big drinker and Friday and Saturday nights are the two nights of the weeks I most want to stay at home, due to the number of drunken and rowdy people about getting rid of the stress they have built up at work all week. With the exception of an arthouse cinema screening with the director there for a Q & A, or some special concert I’ll have company to attend with, I will nearly always stay in those two nights. With it being quite cold tonight I am happy with the heating at home up warm, a fleece blanket, and lots of cups of tea plus either a book beside me or surfing the net. I am 47 so thankfully this is pretty much what people expect from single guys my age – nobody will ever ask me again “why aren’t you out at the nightclubs chatting up the women?”. I enjoy doing things on other days and sometimes evenings of the week and I also find places are less busy then, which is a plus for me because what others think of as “buzz” and “atmosphere” has me thinking “too many people!” and “when can I get home?”.
I like going to concerts with Meetup groups and I really admire the way some of the extrovert singers can express themselves, and I know a few extroverts who seem perfectly lovely people, but I know an introvert is just what and who I am.
My question is, do other people here enjoy switching off from work and being at home cosy in the winter weekends, or do you feel you are missing out on life? Do you imagine other people are getting dressed up in their finest and going to parties or having drinks and laughs, and you are like someone on the street with their nose pressed against the window of merriment inside? I am genuinely happy for those who like liveliness and big nights out but I find those stressful, and since I’m not working one of those nights with taxis etc could instead get me several nice afternoons of tea, cake and conversation which would be more natural for me anyway. The reason I am asking is, I wonder if my enjoyment of home life has been costly for me because outside of one decade-long relationship I was never really “putting myself out there” on the nights of the week when single people were the most likely to be out there looking for a partner. Maybe I am more single-at-heart to use the Bella DiPaulo phrase anyway, and if I had tried those relationships wouldn’t have lasted, but I do feel a bit bad because I enjoy friendship with women and for the most part I have to accept that once they find partners I won’t really get to see them one on one any more, but only at group Meetup events. Whereas with male buddies the partnered ones are excused for the occasional night of “beers with the guys” but the conversation can run to our football (soccer) or talking shop about work which is less interesting for me.
Just sat at home with my cup of English Breakfast tea (Yorkshire blend brand, good strong tea I drink all day long :) ) and throwing the subject out there, I will be interested if there are others who like to be cosy at home but since they are too introverted for Internet dating aren’t going to me meeting anyone at home …November 19, 2016 at 8:01 PM #1534
I just happened to read a line on another site (called the Web of Loneliness) where a woman had a nice shift in perspective. She wrote about being in nursing school and working every weekend and feeling a bit sorry for herself until a colleague said “nobody ever said your weekends can only be on a Saturday and a Sunday – make time for self-care on other days” (paraphrasing). So yes if I like to see movie matinees during quiet weekday afternoons I can think of that as my introvert “weekend” too. I may be paying a price for not being out when others are out but since my social skills are not the best it’s maybe a hypothetical point since even if I was out people wouldn’t necessarily be falling over themselves to be my friend anyway :)
Here’s a comforting video for anyone who’s at home this Saturday night and wishing they were partnered up :-
It’s from the School of Life, created by philosopher Alain de Botton who has written some great books too.November 20, 2016 at 10:29 AM #1535
Thank you so much for sharing the video!
It made me feel less sad about my loneliness. I think I have more days on which I feel ok with possibly staying alone for good. It’s liberating. I hope the sad ones take long to come back.November 21, 2016 at 8:47 AM #1538
Being able to cope alone might not be our first choice Angel88 but it can be a stronger position than depending on others to take care of us or “rescue” us. I always liked the Audrey Hepburn quote “If you’re looking for a helping hand, it’s at the end of your arm”. I agree that it can be liberating to accept the possibility, and be fine with, possibly not finding another partner. It also means we have more room in our lives for things like friendships with both genders, engaging with the community and being more active socially etc. It can be really easy to live out of each other’s pockets when in a couple, I’ve done it myself, and that can cause loneliness even while in a couple. Glad the video helped you chase any lonely thoughts away for a while :)November 23, 2016 at 1:50 AM #1544
Great video, CameraObscuraFan.
I totally agree that “weekends” don’t necessarily have to be on Friday/Saturday. I find that I am often socially busiest during the week and enjoy a quiet weekend. Lazy Sundays are my favorite. :). I think the “you have to put yourself out there” might have been one of the reasons in Sara’s book. There are plenty of people who met at bars…but also a million other ways.
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