Forever Alone

[eldogg]

Alexandra, there is no way for me to know about YOUR particular situation without having met you. One thing people often don’t seem to realize with the internet – they come here and throw out situations and ask for advice from complete strangers. I have friends that do this all the time on FB. They ask people on their friends list most of whom they have never met what they should do in various life situations. In as much as the internet is a good thing in many ways, this is not one of them. These are often situations where it is appropriate to talk to your husband, your sister, your clergy, your therapist, etc.

With that said, when I spoke above about “making the effort”, I meant that my friends and I know of many many people who CLAIM that they want to meet someone, but who are clearly not making the effort. You see the same faces on dating sites, you see the same people at parties, etc. People that my friends and I have made the effort to be friendly towards or to date … and they are perpetually single and frankly not even open to talking in person at parties. They stand together with friends in “closed stances”, don’t make eye contact, don’t smile. They don’t respond to emails. These are reasonably attractive people who make up front judgements about other people because they simply don’t want to try and frankly just expect a knight in shining armour to come along and sweep them away. I’m sure men do it also.

It’s one thing to take yourself off dating sites and pursue hanging out with friends or other interests. But to put yourself out there and openly claim that you want to meet someone and not make the effort … is a conflict and non-sequetor.

Many couples only manage to make it work by being patient … especially as you get older because let’s face it, most of us don’t look like we did when we were younger. I can’t tell you how many dates my friends and I have been on where it gets cut off after one date and it’s very clear that the first date went ok … and remember, especially when you date off the internet or in blind date situations … that first time is really a “look/see” and doesn’t start from the same point that a first date does when you’ve already met one another.

The bottom line is that it’s just not likely to happen magically when you first meet the person or by striking paydirt online. And yes, it is not easy and it takes effort. I can’t remember the last time I knew of someone who didn’t feel like even a first date was somewhat of an effort and then deciding afterwards whether to pursue it or not for some people is downright confusing or perplexing.

So yes, if you have decided (as I almost have myself) that it may just not be meant to be, that’s fine. But if you haven’t, then there is no way that dating or finding the right person isn’t without risk, work, and effort.

[alexandra]

Eldogg, thank you. The problem is that sometimes, people are just shy. I for example. I am not good at making eye contact for flirting purposes. Plus, we all have our defense systems, pretending to ignore other people may sometimes be just a way of dealing with your inner turmoil, I generally do that when I am attracted to somebody, it’s like my feelings are too powerful to handle or something…Otherwise, with men whom I consider just nice and nothing else I am perfectly able to talk and have a meaningful conversation. I know it is annoying to be given the cold shoulder, the problem is there is no way of knowing when people reject us because they don’t like us and when they do it because there is deeper thing going on…

[eldogg]

Alexandra, thank you for your reply. I understand. But sometimes, you have to try to fight shyness. Do you think that being outgoing and aggressive just comes naturally to all men? I was painfully shy when I was younger and I still struggle with it … but I make the effort. Sometimes you have to take baby steps to at least get a start.

I wasn’t trying to say that we men take it personally when women don’t make the effort. But very few men are going to approach a handful of women “clustered” together in a closed-in group and interrupt. A great way of handling this is to stay with your “group”, but stand in an open stance – next to one another facing people who walk in (for example) showing that you’re open to being approached. Don’t forget, no one can force you to give anyone your number or to go out with him. But it all starts with a conversation and without that, nothing can happen.

So I understand that people are shy but so are many men … it’s not easy for us either because we have to be able to face rejection over and over again.

Now I still say that you can’t be that shy that you won’t answer emails, only to stay single for many years. Those people are not putting in the effort. For us men, we have to put in a lot of effort to get a date, for women … all you have to do is to be open and willing. But yes, it’s not easy, it can be awkward, and you have to be prepared to reject someone if it doesn’t work out after a date or two or three. That’s life. No pain, no gain.

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