Forever Alone

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  • #1329
    misstree
    Participant

    Recently, I chanced upon a tweet from Alain de Botton – “To stand any chance of choosing a partner wisely, it helps to be utterly reconciled to being alone all one’s life.”

    It really resonated with me because of late, a lot of the books/articles I’ve been reading about singlehood have pondered on this premise, “If you were really to be alone for the rest of your life, what would that be like?”

    At first, it may seem scary and unthinkable, which is why most of us probably avoid thinking about it. But avoidance doesn’t make something less likely to happen. Which is why I’ve occasionally tried to picture what my life would be like without a life partner. Could I still lead a rich, full, meaningful life? (Anyway, having a life partner is no guarantee of leading a rich, full, meaningful life! Haha)

    Would love to hear all your thoughts! :)

    #1330
    beachbum
    Participant

    I think about this every single day. I might end up alone forever. I might never be in another relationship again. If end up alone forever, what might that life look like? Where will I live? What will I do? How will I be happy? Right now I do lots of great things. I read lots of books and I travel and I go to the beach and I go out with friends. But it doesn’t really make me happy. And I wonder if life will always be like this and if it will ever change.

    I wholeheartedly believe every person in this world should focus on how to be happy by themselves. But I also believe that human beings are not meant to be alone. We just aren’t. We are inherently social creatures. Most of us feel a biological urge to reproduce, to become parents. We’re intrinsically built this way. I would argue it is against human nature to be alone. In fact, sometimes it makes me a little angry that I have to think about being alone at all. I don’t think I should plan for or try to make sense of something that I feel is wrong!

    I read an essay written by a woman in her late forties who is alone and never had the child she dreamed of. She said most women she knows derive meaning from their marriages and children. But in a way, it’s like they a got out of jail free card, because these women didn’t have to think about who they really are and what their lives really mean. I guess it’s somewhat “easy” to assign an incredible amount of meaning to your husband and children if you’re lucky enough to have them. They give you identity and purpose, and you never have to question it or think about it again.

    I’ve questioned many times why it is I want a partner and a child so badly, and it’s not because I want to keep up with Jones’ or do the societally prescribed right thing. It’s because life is so much better when it’s shared, and when you enjoy emotional intimacy. It is really, really hard to live a life that is not in alignment with your greatest hopes and wishes. I feel a tremendous sense of lack. It goes against my instincts. Honestly, I’m not at a point where I can ever say that I’m okay with it. But I will try my best to live a good life alone, because that’s all I can do.

    #1333
    misstree
    Participant

    Hi beachbum

    Thanks for your heartfelt response! I’ve read your comments on the other threads, and I get a sense you often vacillate between frustration and acceptance, which I totally get! And like what Sara mentioned again and again in her book, it’s completely normal to have a whole jumble of conflicting feelings. It’s 100 percent human nature. We just have to be patient with ourselves and make space for all these feelings.

    A quote that helps me is one from Cheryl Strayed – “Acceptance is a small, quiet room.” It reminds me that acceptance doesn’t have to be a big, grand gesture. It can be a softness, a yielding of our hearts to whatever may be.

    Sending you happy thoughts :D

    #1336
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Its the ‘utterly reconciled’ bit that gets me!
    Theres an ongoing conflict inside of me. Would I like/would I heck!?
    The real trick is living in the moment and accepting where I am.
    No-one says this is easy!it isnt.

    #1339
    eldogg
    Participant

    One must do their best to love themselves and to lead as fullfilling a life as they possibly can inside themselves and their own experiences. HOWEVER (and I know that I’m going to get a lot of flack for this), I believe that life was meant to be lived with a partner. That is NOT to say that one should REQUIRE a partner to be happy, but I honestly do believe that there is nothing wrong with feeling like one needs to have a romantic partner in their life in order for them to feel that their life is complete and there is nothing wrong with feeling that many experiences can be more joyful when you have someone to share them with.

    While you can certainly make the best of it being single and there are certainly many many activities that you can engage in as a single and much happiness that you can derive, there is nothing like the feeling of holding someone that you truly love in your arms. And there are experiences and activities that you just cannot enjoy … and joys that you cannot experience … without a romantic partner. Not to mention the “pragmatic” aspect of life where you are always better off having the support of someone to go through those experiences with … a promotion, a death in the family, a sickness, etc.

    I think the most difficult thing is trying to find the balance as you spend more and more time alone. Where do you draw the line between being so comfortable alone and being so jaded of the dating world … that you allow that to bias you towards not trying as hard and almost “accepting” a fate of being alone vs. not becoming too jaded and not letting it get to you and continuing to make a reasonably significant effort.

    Frankly, I completely understand the need to consider onesself and their need for independence and the need to have one’s own life and not feel that they need to cave in to the “pressure” of needing to be part of a couple. But I also see sentiments out there from single people where I ask myself if they haven’t built sort of a “wall” or a stubborness or a psychological barrier that covers up a deeper fear or hangup. I see people who write on this … who provide “encouragement” to women about being single (e.g. Melanie Notkin and others) and ask myself … how many good decent guys has she turned down or not given a chance to? How open-minded is she and has she been? Is it reasonable to feel “forced” into dating someone or giving someone a chance? Of course not! Is it conceivable that someone after TRULY MAKING THE EFFORT just hasn’t met the right person? Sure!

    But as I said above, there is compromise and there is the concept of trying to walk the line of not being too jaded. There ARE definitely some people out there who aren’t open-minded and who don’t give things much of a chance. Especially post-childbearing age.

    I’m only saying … if you satisfy yourself that you have done what you can and you end up being single … so be it. But PLEASE … don’t let yourself become someone with a standoffish attitude and who is insistent upon perfection and who is so jaded that you enter each situation with a pre-judiced point of view about the opposite sex. Most couples who end up in lasting relationships give things a chance to grow.

    #1346
    LoneStar
    Participant

    Beachbum and eldogg, I couldn’t have said it better myself. I know there must be a certain happiness I must reach on my own, and I feel that there is just an extra layer of happiness in sharing our life with someone and that it’s human nature to want to be with someone. As I say, marriage is icing on the cake: it should enhance an already good cake. You can live with a good cake but a great icing makes it much sweeter/better. :)

    Acceptance and hope…that tricky balance.

    #1350
    Soul
    Participant

    The problem I notice is that we become pretty good at enjoying our own company and being independent…lots of practice. The problem starts when I meet other men to date and most have not had this unique experience of getting to know themselves. Most are more interested in meeting a woman who can fill the need of not being alone. As much as I want to be open to someone, I also want to meet someone who will enhance my life, not just fill a gap. I’ve done pretty good for myself and I want to feel proud of that, so settling for whoever because they happen to be single becomes much less appealing. At the same time, I really agree with all your comments and sharing your life with someone can be so much better and I really really miss it! I love my time on my own, but I know it could be better.

    In terms of being forever alone, I now think of my reality as what it is in the current moment. The future is now and the reality is I am still alone. I don’t like it, I do appreciate what I’ve gained through the experience, but it is still my reality and that is all I know.

    #1351
    mariposa
    Participant

    Acceptance and hope…that tricky balance.

    That sums it up so perfectly, LoneStar!

    And I agree with Soul that all we really have in life is the current moment. With that in mind, is there really any other option than to try to make the best of it? It may not be what we would have chosen, but we can still choose what we do with the life that we currently have, and in a world where so many things are beyond there control, there’s something kind of empowering about that.

    #1354
    LoneStar
    Participant

    “To stand any chance of choosing a partner wisely, it helps to be utterly reconciled to being alone all one’s life.”

    I’ve been thinking back to the original quote that started this thread and I get what he (?)means. It reminds me of a Mindy Hale quote in the same vein:

    “Until you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness”.

    I recently spoke about this with a friend of mine. She said that if she were to do it over, she would probably never have divorced her ex-husband or, if he was still available, marry him again just for not wanting to be alone. I told her about this quote because, while there were good times, there was a reason she asked for the divorce.

    As hard as it is to be alone (some times more than others, lol), if we are OK (not necessarily totally happy) with our lives of solitude, we know that when we choose a spouse, it will be for who and how well we fit together they are not a gap-filler as someone mentioned.

    #1355
    eldogg
    Participant

    Well, Lonestar, I get that and I think I stated something similar above … that one needs to be comfortable with who they are. And certainly it’s not a good idea to seek out a partner just for the sake of having a partner … in other words if you don’t have adequate self-worth/self-esteem, having a partner won’t make you happy and seeking out a partner could get you in a relationship for the wrong reasons.

    However, I’m not sure I understand what the big deal is if people don’t want to be alone or unhappy being alone and that is one of the primary motivating factors in seeking to be with a partner. I feel that life was meant to be lived with another human being. Not to get all religious here but that is supposedly why G-d gave Eve to Adam. I also feel that it’s ok to feel that you “need” to be with someone else in order to be happy. I know that goes against everything that everyone says, but that’s the way I feel and I don’t see anything wrong with it. Notice, I’m NOT saying that you should count on another person to be responsible for your happiness, your self-worth, or to “complete” you.

    #1356
    LoneStar
    Participant

    However, I’m not sure I understand what the big deal is if people don’t want to be alone or unhappy being alone and that is one of the primary motivating factors in seeking to be with a partner.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that and I think that’s a lot of people’s primary reason for wanting to be in a relationship. It’s not about whether or not you should resign yourself to being alone but that you know you’d rather be alone than with the wrong person, if the choice came down to that. It’s not about the reason why you seek a partnership but with whom you seek it. We’re not saying contradictory things, just making different points. :)

    #1357
    eldogg
    Participant

    Absolutely! You don’t want to feel so pressured that you need to be with someone that it causes you to make the wrong choice – better to be alone.

    #1359
    MidlifeBookworm
    Participant

    Yesterday I saw the very fine (well, if you like that sort of film) French movie called “Things To Come” with Isabelle Huppert. Without giving too many spoilers away, she’s in late middle age and soon after the film begins she separates from her husband, and enjoys the freedom to do her own thing at last, though there are tears and lonely times too of course. She is very pragmatic about her chances of finding love and seems to put her efforts into other things that make her happy. I could very much relate to her character, I am 46 and consider myself a very nice person but I’m very plain looking and just a mature distance learning student and not employed, so if I was a betting man I’d say there’s a fair prospect I might not find another partner like my ex-fiancee again. I am coming to terms with it and I do enjoy the much reduced pressure of enjoying simple friendship with people at Meetup events either ones where we just have tea/ coffee and chat, or where we go to rock/ pop concerts together. I enjoy being able to talk with both men and women of a wider age range than might want to be friends with me outside of the meets. Things aren’t so bad, if I don’t get another partner I would use all that time saved towards my passions of reading, movies and conversation. We have so much to be grateful for, as one of my acquaintances from a Meetup group said in a message to me.

    #1360
    eldogg
    Participant

    Well, like I said … I find that there are people who SAY that they are happy and things aren’t so bad … and do manage to find things to fill their lives. But in reality, they are “escaping”, rationalizing, and are truly fearful of being hurt or just don’t want to put in the effort. And dating takes effort – a LOT of effort. It’s a tough line to walk and I’m not saying that this is the case for anyone who has posted here. I do know of TONS of people that it IS the case for, however.

    #1363
    alexandra
    Participant

    Eldogg, please, can you explain a bit what you mean by a lot of effort ? Make an effort to improve oneself ? To provide yourself with opportunities to meet somebody ? Something else ?To be honest, I for one, started to believe that finding love is more a matter of chance than anything else. Or perhaps we should try to define “love” ? Where does “love” end and where does “compromise” begin ? After constantly trying to become better and after living years of a rich social life without finding the one I am looking for, I got tired. I’ve been oscillating for so long between “let it happen” and ” make it happen” that now I am starting to believe that this is it, some of us just aren’t meant to be in a relationship. On the other hand, maybe there is another perspective on this ? Maybe I am missing one important point about dating ? In fact that’s why I joined this forum, in an attempt to find other perspectives.

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