Developing Community Rules/Guidelines

[Sara]

First, thanks everyone for being on this forum—it has been wonderful to see such thoughtful conversation.

Some people have expressed an issue with the tone of some of the comments, so I wanted to get people’s thoughts on any rules or guidelines we might set.

I’ve been happy that we haven’t had any nastiness on this page (and if anyone does see it, please report it to me). But I do agree that the tone of some of the comments could be more respectful.

I wrote It’s Not You as a response to the many dismissive, condescending and arrogant things that people say to singles, especially single women. I would like this to be a place where people can be vulnerable, since I believe this is an important first step to accessing your own wisdom. And I think the best way to do that is to try as much as possible to offer comments that uplift rather than shut down.

I know we are all offering each other advice here, but I think it’s important that advice is given with deference, since obviously the person you’re writing to knows her own life better than you do. So rather than tell someone “how it is,” I think it would be more useful to say, “Here’s how it was for me” or “I had the same problem, and here is what I found helpful” or “here’s a book I found useful.” If you don’t have any experience with the issue the person is writing about, perhaps it would be a good idea to refrain from posting on that thread.

I would also suggest avoiding clichés—-that is, telling people to lose weight, be less picky, etc. It’s not that dieting or being more open are bad ideas necessarily—-it’s just that we’ve all heard these things a million times before, and it would be nice to get a break from that. That’s really the intention of this page—-to provide a way to offer each other the kind of support that’s so absent in the culture at large. So if you find yourself about to say something that already been said in a zillion dating books, please first ask yourself, “Is this truly helpful? Do I really think I’m telling her something she’s never thought of?”

It’s not that we always have to be so wildly original—-I know I can’t clear that bar. But I do think we can set the intention of helping fellow members access their own wisdom, rather than trying to win an argument or educate them about “how it is.”

On the flip side, if there is a member of this forum whose comments you find unhelpful or just bum you out, please remember—you can ignore them!

Would love to hear your thoughts on this!

[mariposa]

Thanks for this post, Sara. I agree with everything you wrote. I think for me it just comes down to respect – definitely in terms of language and tone but also in avoiding generalizations. I’m assuming we’re all here because we connected with It’s Not You, which focuses on debunking the myths and generalizations about single people that are so prevalent in our society. So with that in mind, when a post implies that all women (or men) are a certain way and if we only did x, y and z we would have more success in finding love, it seems to go against the very premise of the book, and by extension, the purpose of this community. While it hasn’t been directly stated, those generalizations imply (intentionally or not) that we are collectively too picky, too closed-minded, too negative, etc. I can only speak to my own experience, but I know I don’t see myself reflected in the way that women have been portrayed in certain comments. I know for myself, I’m going to make a conscious effort not to post anything stating that most/all men are ______ because 1) that isn’t constructive or helpful, and 2) I just don’t believe it to be true. I think you gave some really great suggestions for how to offer advice or feedback in a way that’s free of blame and respects the fact that we all have different experiences.

I’m so grateful for this community, and even though we’re all still new to each other I already feel connected to people through our shared experience. It’s so good to have a place to talk about this stuff with people who get it and who have been there too. Thank you for getting this discussion started. Those are my two cents, for whatever they’re worth. Looking forward to hearing from others too!

[Author]

Posts