Common Modern Dating Problem: Texting Forever, Not Setting Plans

It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single Forums Welcome Common Modern Dating Problem: Texting Forever, Not Setting Plans

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Angel88 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #1801

    L_Gris
    Participant

    Hi All,

    I’m fairly new to the forum. I’m reading through some of the topics and really appreciate all the book read suggestions and thoughtful topics.

    One thing I’ve realized over the last few months, is that I don’t have many single friends left to speak to about some of the trials and tribulations of dating, or how to handle some of the weird things that come up while dating.

    So…I’m asking you all!

    Right now, I’m dealing with a serial texter. We had what I thought was a positive first date. He said things like, “Wow, we have a lot in common,” “I could see us getting along really well,” he paid, held up doors, and we spent about four hours together, extending the date to a second location to grab a light bite to eat (I normally only schedule coffee or a cocktail for a first meeting). He followed up that same evening, the next morning, etc. Everything felt good, I was sure I would see him again.

    However, it’s been almost two weeks since our first get together and while he has said vague things like, “I’d love to hang out some more” or “I’d love to go hiking with you,” when I suggested it, he has yet to make real plans, even after I stated my preference of getting to know one another in real life (IRL) vs. via texting.

    He agreed, but, wasn’t sure of his weekend plans (might go camping) and said he would get back if he had free time over the weekend. He ended up never getting back to me over the weekend and then checking-in on Tuesday as if nothing has happened, just something easy like, “Hope you’re enjoying the rain as much as I am,”. In our exchange he’d mentioned coming down with a cold as well.

    At this point, I am now resentful because I feel like he is stringing me along.

    I was thinking of sending a text like this:

    “I just wanted to reiterate that I really enjoyed meeting you the other week and meant it when I said I was interested in getting to know you more. I am more interested in getting to know someone IRL than having a texting pen pal. While I can appreciate busy schedules and not feeling well, I also know that coordinating schedules can happen with the right motivation. If you’d like to do that, I’m open. If not, I wish you well!”

    I don’t think I would do super well with just ignoring his texts, and if I don’t create a definite end to this, I suspect he would go on texting me forever, popping back up in my life whenever. I’d rather just say “Hey, are you in or out? If you’re out, leave me alone.”.

    What do you think? Too much after one date and two weeks of texting? I feel like my dignity is getting dragged down a bit by this exchange and would like a definite way to resolve this. Any assistance is greatly appreciated!

    #1802

    L_Gris
    Participant

    I should note – he texts every few days, with thoughtful information, sharing pictures of his hikes, saying things like “I hope yoga went well,” as he knows I practice in the early morning, he’ll send it close to when I’m finishing up yoga…it’s not that he’s not being communicative. He communicates fine, just not about making a second date….

    #1804

    misstree
    Participant

    Heya L_Gris

    Welcome to the forum!

    I think you’re completely justified in feeling that way. Your message sounds great – it’s direct without being confrontational, and is unambiguous. Life’s too short for mind games.

    Plus, if he responds positively with a set date in mind, great. If he continues to waffle, you have your answer as well. Either way, you’ll know and you can make a decision from there.

    Just my two cents. All the best!

    #1805

    mariposa
    Participant

    Welcome L_Gris! Like Misstree, I think your message sounds great. If you’re hesitating about whether or not to send it yet, you could always try texting first with a specific suggestion to hang out, worded in a way that pressures him to commit to an actual day and time (something like “Would you be up for meeting up for a drink one night this week?” or “I’d love to go hiking sometime soon. Is there a day that works for you?”). If he still gives you a non-committal reply, then I think the text you wrote would be great as a follow up.

    He sounds like a nice guy and thoughtful in other ways, but I agree that serial texting is really frustrating. Good luck…let us know how it goes!

    #1807

    courtney550
    Participant

    Welcome! I liked your example text message. To be honest, I used to give “serial texters” a lot of my time. I’d patiently wait on them so I wouldn’t seem too eager. I wanted to give them “space.” I wanted them to see that I was independent and living my own life outside of dating.
    I wish I had a lot of that time back now. I also liked what mariposa stated about thinking of an activity, asking if a certain day works for him, and if he’s still wishy-washy- then your follow-up text will be gold.

    #1808

    L_Gris
    Participant

    Hi, All!

    Thanks for the encouragement and good advice. I also liked mariposa’s suggestion and decided to just text something like, “Hi! Have time for a drink or a hike this weekend?”. He responded quickly with his availability. We made a plan and now we are having an early dinner (at a really fancy resort, his suggestion) and a light hike this evening at a location known for watching the beautiful Arizona sunset. I even asked him to call me so we could figure out logistics of the hike, which he did. So, he’s not allergic to talking on the phone, just needed encouragement (ha!).

    I appreciate your thoughts, too, Courtney. I’ve definitely been trying to not seem “too eager” but, you’re right. It has taken up a lot of time and mental energy.

    While it’s nice to have a plan, finally, I’m also really aware of the fact that he let over two weeks go since our first date (texting the whole time but, not making concrete plans). Hard to say if he’s intentionally stringing me along, or just laid back, or…? The reality is you never really know whats going on with someone, all you can control is how what you put out there. So, I think I will see how tonite goes but, I plan to be pretty direct with him. I’ll let him know that I really value IRL time as the best way of getting to know someone and let him know that I’m interested in getting to know him. And, that in the process of getting to know someone I’d like to try to make an effort for IRL time once every week or so. If he balks, there’s my answer. Or he steps to it. Either way, this will free up my mental energy and time!

    Thanks for the encouragement ladies! With more than half my friends married, it’s challenging sometimes to find people to speak to about these dating conundrums. I really appreciate the support :)

    xoxo

    LGM

    #1810

    mariposa
    Participant

    Hope it went well, L_Gris! Sounds like a beautiful place, and I hope you had a nice time and got the clarity you were looking for.

    #1811

    courtney550
    Participant

    Let us know how it went! I think you’ve been very mindful of the situation (not writing him off immediately, letting him show you his interest, but also telling him what you want), and I think you’re doing great! Time and his future actions will tell. The nice dinner and light hike sound wonderful, so I hope you had a great time!

    #1813

    mamey2422
    Participant

    Lots of great advice on this thread! I’m very late to the conversation but I think your approach was perfect. I tend to be a firm believer in that if a guy is ACTING like he’s not interested it’s because he’s genuinely not interested. If a guy wants to see and be with me, he’ll make the effort to make that happen. But your example proved that wrong. I may need to be more forgiving on my belief! I do think texting has changed the way we date; it’s certainly been an adjustment for me.

    I think you directly asking him out was great and can’t wait to hear how it went!

    #1820

    LoneStar
    Participant

    Welcome L_Gris!

    Like mamey, I take people at their actions, not necessarily their word. Especially after reading “He’s just not that into you” (which was both hilarious and informative), I tend to have very low tolerance for wishy-washy behaviors. If this was a friend and not a romantic interest, I would have just stopped texting them (even archived it lol) and just let them decide if they truly want to see be/hang out. It hurts, of course but also is a part of being an adult. Obviously long-distance relationships would have to be mostly communicated via texts, calls and such, but if this is something that needs to be developed with someone local, it makes sense that in person is the way to go. I don’t know if it’s age or experience, and I don’t really feel I have time or patience for these kinds of behaviors. I hate feeling like I’m chasing someone, so I don’t (or try not to).

    That’s my stance, yours is much more tolerant and patient, lol.

    Let us know how it went!

    #1824

    Angel88
    Participant

    Lonestar, I am definitely like you on this topic lol. I’m also pretty careful and pay very close attention to the actions of the guy. I hate feeling like I’m chasing so if he’s not initiating much I drop it altogether. I figure, even if he’s unsure, it just seems he’s more passive than I am and that wouldn’t be a good combination anyway, we wouldn’t be compatible. I have become more passive as I’ve learned my lessons. I used to be more of a go-getter with men and now I am more clear on what I want and I am sure I want a man who is cautious but more active than me.

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