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SingingSteph, I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through regarding endometriosis and diminished ovarian reserve. That must be really hard. Although I have not faced that issue, I can relate to a lot of your concerns.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately about egg freezing and having a baby on my own. Of course, this is a very personal decision and everyone has to do what feels right for them. All I know is at this point, I am not okay with egg freezing or having a baby with a sperm donor. I can’t fathom having a baby with a stranger’s sperm. Like I said, I place no judgment on those who do it, but there is something quite unnatural about it to me. Besides, I think it would incredibly hard for a child to not know who his or her father is. I know people who don’t know their father due to various circumstances, and it’s never easy.
In a way, I feel it would be a little selfish of me to have a child just because I want to have a child, and deprive that child of the ability to know his or her father. I think there is something to be said for just going in the direction our life leads us, and not using science to intervene. We don’t all get what we want in life. Science might bring me a baby, but as of yet, science can’t bring me a husband. I’m really just trying to lean into acceptance rather than paying tens of thousands of dollars for invasive procedures.
Again, this is just my perspective. And I totally understand why others may feel differently.
SingingSteph, I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. That must have been really hard news to get. And while I haven’t had that experience, I can definitley relate to getting bad news and having to come to terms with it at the same time as friends are going through all those major milestones in life. It isn’t easy and I’m thinking of you. I loved how you said that “no matter what you do in life, you’re missing something else.” That’s so true and a really great way to look at it, and reading that was a big “aha” moment for me. There’s definitely more than one path to a happy life and I wish our society did a better job of recognizing that. I’m working hard at it and will keep those words in mind moving forward.
And writergirl, I’m late responding to this but I feel like I could have written so much of what you posted. I too have hit the deadline I set and now am having second thoughts, and the older I get the more I realize that I don’t think I want to be a single parent. I’m also a bit of an eternal optimist, and while sometimes it seems so impossible and I definitely struggle with that, I still have hope that maybe it will still happen the way I want it to.
Beachbum and SingingSteph mentioned egg freezing, and I’ve been looking into this more seriously over the past couple of months too. And I’m so torn about it because on the one hand I’m so grateful that the option is there, but on the other hand there are some pretty big drawbacks as others have mentioned (cost, impact of all those hormones on your body, etc.). If I had a crystal ball and some way to know that 5 years in the future I’d be in the right relationship, I would do it in a heartbeat. But with my track record so far, I think the mostly likely scenario is that I won’t be, and if I feel like I do today then I’m not sure I’d want to use those eggs to have a child on my own. I wish there was some way for my 35 year old self to figure out how my 40 year old self would feel about this. Such hard decision…
Love this thread, and so do a lot of people on Facebook:
I feel like I need a “like” button for the comment above. So nice to see that it resonated with people and hopefully helps others to feel less alone.
I know this is an old thread but I came across a couple of articles this week that I thought were interesting. I’ve heard of people doing this with friends, but I didn’t realize co-parenting sites existed until reading these:
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/co-parenting-modamily-singles-children-1.3982908
Would you consider something like this? It seems like a huge thing to take on with a stranger (although maybe I’d feel differently if it were a friend?), and I feel like there are some pretty big potential downfalls. But it would also provide a solution to some of the barriers to single parenting, and that’s made me pause and think about whether I could see myself doing this. I feel pretty conflicted – on the one hand we’re so lucky to live at a time when we have so many options available to us. But on the other hand, none of them feel quite right for me, and then how do you choose?
I read both articles, and I have to say the one from Canada drove me a bit nuts. Especially this part: “Today, for many people, “adulthood” doesn’t begin until the age of 30. Their energy has been elsewhere … getting their education, their career established,” she said.
“They wake up maybe at 35 and go, ‘Oh shoot, I forgot I should have been looking for a guy or a girl because I want to have a kid.'”This attitude of “delaying adulthood” is actually a little insulting. I’ve been an adult all along. I’ve been developing my career and romantic relationships at the same time. It’s not all that difficult to work and date at the same time. I haven’t been putting one before the other. I didn’t wake up and saying “Whoops, forgot to have a baby!” I’ve been thinking about it the whole time. I’ve been dating the whole time. Most of the discussion on this topic lacks empathy. Women who want to have biological children and haven’t found a partner face this heartbreak every day. And it’s not their fault that it’s happened to them.
I think every person who feels like they’ve lost out on having a child has to come to a personal reckoning. For some, having a child with someone they are not in a relationship with might be a good solution. Others may have to accept the heartbreak and dream new dreams or live their lives in a way they never imagined. I’ve always just found that forcing things to happen that haven’t happened on their own hasn’t worked well for me. Accepting new paths and trying to find new ways to be happy has.
@beachbum, yeah, I didn’t love that part either. I feel like people who got married and had children in their 20’s or early 30’s sometimes project their experiences onto others, and therefore make unfair/untrue assumptions about people who didn’t follow the same path (one being that we aren’t truly adults yet, and the other that we are single and/or haven’t had children by choice). My experience has been similar to yours and I agree that it’s really frustrating to hear those types of comments.
I remember hearing a statistic last year that for the first time ever, there were more babies born to women over 40 in Canada than to teenagers. And while I see that as a great thing for our society overall, it was interesting to hear the various comments in the media when that news story came out. Rather than focusing on any of the positive aspects to that statistic (reduced teen pregnancy rates, the impact of comprehenensive sex ed programs in schools, better fertility-preserving options, etc.), most of the discussion seemed to center around whether women were waiting too long to have kids. And the underlying assumption in many of those comments that it was a conscious choice really bothered me. Certainly in some cases it is, but a lot of people couldn’t seem to see that for many of us it’s just circumstance. We didn’t “forget” to have kids (seriously, who does that?!), or choose to only focus on work. but yet that’s the narrative that seems to be applied to us all too often. I agree that there is a lack of understanding, and by extension, a lack of empathy, and that can be really hard.
But despite all that, I like seeing stories like this (minus the awful quotes!), if for no other reason than it helps expand what our society sees as an acceptable path in life. And while I don’t think I would choose this particular option for myself, I like that it’s out there because maybe it’s the right path for someone else. My hope it that having that greater diversity in experience will one day make it easier for all of us.
I love what you wrote at the end of your post.
I’ve always just found that forcing things to happen that haven’t happened on their own hasn’t worked well for me. Accepting new paths and trying to find new ways to be happy has.
Such wise words. Thank you for sharing that.
I’ve been thinking more about the children thing lately. There was a post above that mentioned having children for “selfish” reasons and this really resonated with me.
I place no judgement on single women who choose to have children alone. For me though, I’m not completely sure if I want kids. It seems like I just want the opportunity. The choice to do so with a partner. To grow older and not be alone. I’ve been feeling lately like my want for having a child would be borderline selfish (for me). I don’t know, maybe that’ll change. I’m not sure what the future holds.
@SingingSteph, So sorry to hear abut all that you’re going through. It’s really hard to get news about your health like that. I’ve been hit hard with some health issues in the past and I’m in a better place mentally in terms of dealing with them, but they’re still in the back of my mind and I pray hard every day about them. My heart goes out to you.
@beachbum, I’m with you on that terrible quote. I had read it and thought the same thing. I’ve heard similar things from other people who just assume that unmarried women of a certain age are waking up to the fact that they need to have kids asap and that’s why they’re trying so hard to have kids. As much as I love the movie (for its jokes), “Baby Mama” actually goes with this misconception.I thought this video was interesting and thought I’d share, if only to give hope and clear some common preconceived notions:
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