Changing Loneliness

[mariposa]

Has anyone else felt a shift in the way they experience loneliness? In my 20’s and early 30’s, my loneliest times were definitely when I was home by myself – Friday or Saturday nights when I didn’t have plans, having a bad day at work and nobody there to talk to about it when I got home, etc. But over the last few years especially, I have noticed that slowly changing. I’ve become a lot more comfortable with, and even enjoy my time on my own, and my loneliest moments now seem to happen when I’m with other people, particularly bigger groups of family and friends. And while finding more peace with being on my own has definitely been a positive thing, I’m finding the loneliness with others unsettling. It’s not all the time, but enough that I’m starting to get more worried about it. I know why it’s happening, I’m just in a different place than everyone else and feeling disconnected and probably getting into my own head too much, but I really don’t want to feel this way when I’m around my favourite people. Has anyone else had a similar experience and what did you do to make it better?

[Reds10]

This is a great question and one I’ve been struggling to articulate myself, but I think I’m in a similar boat. I’m not unfamiliar with being alone and loneliness. I’ve been alone my whole life (30, no relationships at all, really. Just a few month-long whatevers). But I’m currently experiencing a shift in how that feels. I went from the “ugh I have no one around” to “I’ve built this decent life for myself that I enjoy, now I’d like to share it with someone (but not just anyone)” types of loneliness.

I also feel like I’m in a very different place than people around me, on two fronts though. I have friends younger than me that are out late, drinking a lot, hooking up with whomever, and friends who are older and married with kids. I can’t fully relate to either group and that makes me panicky, left out, and bored around them. One thing that’s helped me is to set up more one-on-one time with people instead of going for the group setting. I have more control over the conversation, like, if I’m with mostly married moms, the conversation is going to be about the husbands and kids, without a doubt. If I’m with my younger friends, it’s going to be about how drunk they got last weekend and who they called over at 2am. When I’m with fewer people at once, the conversation is richer and more varied, there’s more equal interest in what is happening in each other’s lives, and I still get to spend time with people I like to be around.

My social circle has shrunk considerably over the last few years, and most people I am closest to are in different places than I am, but we still have a good time, and our friendships are stronger.

[courtney550]

I’ve experienced this as well. For me, they seem to be during pronounced times, like holiday social gatherings or event get-togethers with non-single friends.

If I’m sitting around the Thanksgiving dinner table with my extended family, sometimes I have a difficult time relating to them. I don’t own a home, so I can’t contribute much to conversations about their latest gardening project or how Norwex cleaning products cleaned an entire wall of their kid’s magic marker, etc…

I also don’t know if they can relate to me. “I checked out a really awesome hotel lounge the other day… the bartender made the best mojito!” I think I’d get a pleasant nod and there just wouldn’t be much else to say.

But with that said, I believe it’s important to find common ground in some way shape or form. Maybe Aunt Mary has a knack for baking awesome apple pies. I’d try asking her about the recipe, how she discovered it, etc…

I don’t know if this is helpful, just some ideas that came to mind.

[mariposa]

Thanks so much to both of you for your posts. It helps to know there are other people out there who can relate.

Courtney550, I agree that the holidays are hard. It was my experience at a family gathering last weekend that led me to start this thread, so your post was perfectly timed and I can really relate to all the examples you gave. Like you, this seems to only happen to me at certain times – big family get togethers and social events with groups of married friends who all have kids. When I’m out with a group of my work friends, for example, it’s never an issue, but we’re all at different life stages and the conversation is a lot more varied (and in my opinion so much better!).

Reds10, I like the idea of trying to see people one-on-one, and how it helps to keep the conversation more balanced. I’ve definitely found this has worked in my own friendships. I also think I need to do a better job of putting my own stuff out there again when I see my married friends in groups, and I also need to stop assuming (probably incorrectly) that they don’t want to talk about other topics. I’ve had enough experiences now where it’s all just mom talk that I can see the pattern that’s been developing within myself. I sit back and listen because I don’t have much to contribute, feel more and more disconnected as the conversation continutes, feel crappy about that and then start judging myself (both for feeling that way and for not sharing the same major life experiences as everyone else). Once I start going down that path at a social event, it’s really hard to snap myself back out of it, so I think I need to be more conscious of that and do a better job of actively trying not to let it happen. I’m heading out for dinner with friends in a few hours so we’ll see how it goes! Thanks again to both of you for your ideas.

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