- This topic has 6 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I am a huge fan of Sara Eckel’s book. But I kept waiting to read one of the reasons, the one that seems to be the most close to the reason I’m still alone at nearly 40, which is that men don’t find me physically attractive.
Sara herself is quite pretty and I think for most of the women on here, meeting a man really is a matter of time and hanging in there. And I am getting myself to a place where being single is something I can look at as not the worst thing the world, but it still makes me feel sad and frustrated that being fat and physically unappealing is enough of a reason to live the rest of my life alone.
Anyway, I just felt like that was an omission in the “It’s Not You” reasons listed, but I did love the book overall.
I know plenty of fat women who are married. Most women I know who are married are “average” looking…they’re don’t fit the ideal beauty standards that society tells us we need to have in order to attract a man. I have married friends with acne, who are quite overweight, or really skinny, or really short or really tall, etc.
Attraction really is in the eye of the beholder. There are lots of guys out there I don’t think are attractive but that many women do. Same with women.
I myself am “curvy” and have been all my life and used to believe this was also a reason for me being perpetually single. But then I remind myself “well so-and-so is even bigger than me, and her husband isn’t big at all…”. It might be a reason for some men to not fall for us, but not all men. :)
Just as there are many unattractive women in the world, there are unattractive men in equal numbers. I think every one has their match in terms of levels of physical attractiveness. Like generally attracts like. I could see how feeling like you’re unattractive could impact your confidence and self-esteem, which could make dating and meeting people harder.
Obviously, we cannot see each other here so it is difficult to judge. Sometimes, we are our own worst critics and when others look at us, they don’t see it “as bad” as we do. But some of us guys have the same issue to some extent. You’ll likely feel as a woman that it doesn’t affect us as much because we are the aggressors/approachers and don’t have to wait to be approached. I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. If you are a “less attractive” guy, it won’t matter how many approaches you make, you will still end up with the same problem as a “less attractive” woman.
So with that said, let’s even assume that there are some unattractive people out there. All I can say is that there are certain things that are within your control and within your ability to help yourself.
Losing weight is one of the most difficult things in life to accomplish. I tried for years and finally managed to lose 30 lbs. I’m not rail-thin, but I’m better than I was. I started going to the gym to tone myself and managed to get my arm and chest muscles to look more appealing. Women can tone themselves and possibly lose weight also (although I understand that it’s easier said than done). Maybe you can get contacts instead of glasses or a new style of glasses. Sometimes, even a new style of clothing or new wardrobe can help … or even a new hairstyle (try seeking out the advice of a stylist). I changed mine from parted on the side to a more “spiked” look.
We can’t change the fundamental way that we look, but we can make tweeks and improvements in areas that we can control. I can’t be sure that for me it’s made a giant difference, but I do feel better about myself and I hope that these things made at least a little bit of a difference. Now … if I could only find a way to go from 5’8″ to 6’0″ … the #1 issue that women have with men :-).
The thing is, there are also many conventionally beautiful and thin single people out there. Modify your appearance if you want and if you feel it will improve your self-confidence, but do it for you and not your dating life.
I’ve lost a small but noticeable amount of weight over the past couple of years. I feel great and more confident, too. Did it do anything to improve my dating life? No. In fact it’s been extra hurtful when acquaintances and annoying relatives say things like “Oh wow, no one’s snapped you up yet? Even though you’ve lost weight?” As if it’s some sort of panacea.
Attraction is important, no doubt. But real connections aren’t about being shallow. I’ve watched my friends, many of whom are overweight and not conventionally beautiful, find long-lasting love and marriages. I’m happy for them, but it also eats at me because at some level I feel like I make sacrifices to look how I do and still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
I agree with all the comments here. Love and finding a partner are not a question of looks. I used to feel like the ugliest woman on earth. Lots of bullying and negative messages growing up depleted my self-esteem and had me believing that.
Until I started fully working on all the hurt and pain and the actual issues.
That’s when I started working on how I saw myself. I didn’t start seeing myself as super attractive or anything, I just started looking at myself as someone worthwhile and deeper than my looks. I stopped comparing myself and focusing on what truly mattered. I started distancing myself from shallow people and focusing on actually getting to know people, regardless of their appearance.
Another breakthrough moment came when I found myself hanging out with two girls who were basically walking fashion magazine covers. I felt awful seeing how many men gathered around them wherever we are, until I started looking closer. These women had worse love lives than mine, were still single and not seen for who they were as people. Being close to them allowed me to see that they based their value on the attention they got, but not on their real selves. I met a woman that, in my eyes, was not attractive at all. She was very overweight, didn’t dress well either, and had acne, and had a husband who was handsome and super devoted to her. She was a lovely human being and he was as kind as she was.
Meeting those wonderful women and seeing their struggles and lives woke me up. They helped me realize that love is not shallow and is not about your looks or credentials.
I started reminding myself of that, being grateful for who I am in full and wearing clothes that made me feel comfortable and good. I started feeling more optimistic and I started focusing on men who were healthy, kind individuals. What do you know! I started being approached for the first time in my life. I am a bit heavier than I was, and yet, that hasn’t hindered me from being liked and appreciated. I am still single, but I no longer feel that defines me, let alone my looks.
I hope this helps you find your own shining light.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.