Becoming real

[Valentine]

I’m 37 and I’m at a point in my life where I just want to be real. It is really hard to face all the judgment (real and perceived) that is thrown at you when you (or your life) don’t fit the mold. But at the end of the day, how can I make a true connection if I’m not showing up as myself? So I think I have to use the judgments to weed people out. If someone doesn’t want to keep dating me because I’ve never been in a relationship, because my romantic history is messy, because I’ve only been sexually attracted to a handful of people (I’m demisexual), because my life experience doesn’t match what they consider normal . . . then I guess it’s better I know sooner rather than later that they are not a match for me. I’m looking for someone who’s intrigued, not threatened, by life’s diversity; I’m only available for someone who prizes instead of pathologizes my uniqueness.

Everybody’s got their something (quirks, insecurities, etc). Mine just happens to be this.

[misstree]

Hi Valentine

Thank you for sharing! I share very similar sentiments.

I may only be 29, but already I feel exhausted from the performance of it all. For too long, I’ve tried to contort myself into shapes and personalities that I thought would make me more desirable but it just made me anxious and miserable.

It’s not easy, but resting into who we are and listening to our still, small voice is ultimately way more serving than constantly running on a never-ending treadmill, trying to figure out which is the best “permutation” of ourselves to present to the world. It may be the diehard romantic in me speaking, but I’ll like to believe that the right people will want to meet the whole us, not just bits and fragments.

Hope you find some small comfort in knowing you’re not alone on this often-frustrating (but still rewarding) journey! <3

[mariposa]

Thanks for this post, Valentine. I’m around the same age as you and have struggled for most of my adult life with the idea of owning my story, so I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. This is still a work in progress for me – there’s a part of me now that very much knows that nothing is wrong with me, but I feel like that side of myself is still going to battle with years and years of thinking differently.

“How can I make a true connection if I’m not showing up as myself?” This is such a good point you made, and it’s had me reflecting on how this has impacted my own dating experiences in the past. I have always tried to hide certain aspects of myself, but I think you’re right that it’s better to just be real. The rejection I fear from others is really nothing more than a good indication that that’s not the right person for me, and just like you said, it’s better to know sooner rather than later. I am working hard to reframe my thinking to see that as a positive thing, but like I said above, it’s a work in progress.

Thanks again for your post. I wish I had something more profound to say, but I hope it helps to know that you’re not alone.

[Author]

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