January 27, 2017 at 3:29 AM #1641
I came across this recently and liked it. We’re definitely in good company.
Whose comments resonate the most with you? I related to a lot of them, but really liked what Rebecca Traister said about not viewing singlehood as a waiting period before real life begins. While I think I’ve always known this deep down, and there are many things I love about my life, I still have to work hard to remind myself of this at times. It’s so easy to get caught up in all the messages we receive from society telling us otherwise.January 27, 2017 at 2:30 PM #1642
Thank you for sharing. I could see myself in the words of Mindy Kailin, Stevie Nicks and Rawhide Jones.
It is so true what Nicks says about being an introvert. Every time I say I’m somewhat of an introvert, people open their eyes wide open and go: noooooooo. They think that because I have no trouble speaking in public, talking to people I don’t know and such, I’m supposed to be an extrovert. Um no. And it’s true what she says. Learning to be with ourselves is extremely important I think.
Lately, whenever I imagine myself in a relationship, I just don’t see the point of it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’ve always been single and I don’t know what it’s like to be approached by a man who is genuinely interested in me as a person, and who really cares about me and shows me with his actions. I have never been able to forge an emotional connection with a man, so I wonder what it is I could gain from a relationship with a man. Sure, being helped with groceries, with tough housework and things like that is nice, but I think we don’t really need a relationship for that. Cuddling and sex? Hey, as women, we could easily find someone to do that with if it’s just for the sake of physicality. Conversation? We have friends and family for that. What am I really missing? Sure, I think it would be nice to have all of that and romantic love in one person, but being 31 and not having seen that first hand nor in the partnered people around me, I’m not very sure it is possible, nor strictly necessary to live a full life
That programming though…. Ah, lifelong battle.January 29, 2017 at 8:48 PM #1643
Yeah! I remember reading that list when it came out. I think each one resonated with me in some way, but Traister’s and Kaling’s resonated the most. I’m a big believer that being single does not mean you’re in a holding pattern; it is real life, just one of many, many different ways of going about it. Drives me crazy when people assume that I’m “taking a break” from dating. I’m not taking a break from it. Putting in extra effort to date, for me, is taking a break from other things that I spend my time on. Angel88, I’ve been feeling the same as you for awhile. I’ve been doing so many things on my own that I don’t see the necessity of a relationship that I once did. And like Mindy Kaling, I felt most boy crazy when I wasn’t intellectually or professionally fulfilled. Grad school and a career change solved that problem.
At 30 I’ve also never had that emotional connection or met anyone that honestly tried to get to know me, but I’m starting to think of that lack of emotional connection as the result of a really good BS filter.
That programming, though…January 30, 2017 at 8:12 PM #1644
“but I’m starting to think of that lack of emotional connection as the result of a really good BS filter.” Yes!!!!!!!!! That’s it. I forgot to mention that part too. It was really an aha for me too. And it’s true. I think when we start getting clearer on what it is we need, what we’re about, and we look at the men we meet more objectively, as they are, we develop a filter. It happens to me. Whenever I meet a guy, I don’t get as excited as I used to. I basically don’t expect him to stick around long. I go about my business and engage with him in a friendly way, with a curious, yet detached attitude, and even though they are not rude or anything of the sort, it takes me a few minutes or a few conversations to see how they contradict themselves and their actions or lack thereof speak volumes. I feel much more relaxed now that I feel I don’t need a relationship. I don’t want to get married, nor have children, so I’m good. Good friends would do.January 31, 2017 at 10:49 PM #1645
I think when we start getting clearer on what it is we need, what we’re about…
Yes! Virtual high five, Angel88! My needs are so vastly different from what they were five years ago. I’m actually not even sure I would’ve called them “needs” at 25, because what I really lacking back then was self-esteem and confidence, which don’t suddenly appear with a significant other.
Do you find men put off by that relaxed vibe? I don’t get nervous on dates anymore, and I get a sense the guys I’ve gone out with in the last year or two are unnerved by my lack of nerves. I don’t mean to do it, but to be any other way would be a false portrayal of myself. It’s like they freak out when they realize they’re with a woman who is fully functional on her own.
sighFebruary 1, 2017 at 12:36 AM #1646
Angel88, I can definitely relate to how you feel about dating. If a guy doesn’t text me back, which happens 99% of the time, I don’t even feel sad anymore. I’d love to experience being in a romantic relationship where the attraction is mutual, but it’s never happened yet and I’m almost 24. Part of me feels like I missed the opportunity.February 1, 2017 at 1:39 PM #1648
Honestly, I don’t know if they are put off by my relaxed, assertive vibe. Come to think of it, I have actually stopped caring about what they think or how they feel about me. I cannot control their minds nor how they act, and just thinking about playing games or trying to be uber feminine and whatever just tires me dead. So… I’m ok with their reactions. I don’t ever want to pretend to be something different so they like me. I’ve been there and it was a huge mistake. It’s just not sustainable and I’m not sure honest, mature love can be born out of being fake and using flirting techniques.
I’m guessing you are in the US? From what I read from many ladies there, the US is aggressively patriarchal, I’d say quite more than Europe. Maybe these guys are “put off” by your agency and confidence because a. They’re more comfortable with girls who make things easier for them, not out of their authentic ways, but out of looking for validation, and b. Which complements point a, because these men are just not whole in and of themselves and based their identity as men and their self-worth on whether a woman is submissive to them or manageable. Many men say that if they think the woman doesn’t “need” them (based of their own assumptions of course because they never bother having honest conversations with those women), then they simply won’t have a place in their lives… Which,frankly, I think it’s just flat out asinine.
I’d say keep being who you are as is and get ready to be alone for however long it takes till you find a man who has done inner work and lots of thinking and development to find you where you are. He won’t be perfect, but he’ll be a better fit for you and you will be for him. That’s how I see it.
I have come to decide that I will only give myself a chance with a man who is not afraid to go to the ugly places inside himself, to question and to embrace his truth while he works on becoming a better human being. It’s very important that he challenges his sexism, his misplaced expectations and who is interested in being with a woman who doesn’t need him, but who wants to continue to grow with him.February 1, 2017 at 8:54 PM #1649
Lurline93, I know that feeling, but you haven’t missed any chances. We’re still learning a lot, at 24 you’re becoming more of who you want to be. Don’t make it a make it or break it thing. It’s a journey. Make it a journey about discovering who you truly are. Right now, build a life for yourself alone: what are you about? Why? What do you believe in? Why? What do they say? Is it true? And have fun doing things you like, exploring the world, or your town, your family, build more connections, try to let go of the guy thing if you can. Make sure you know or find out who you are alone so you can better assess who’s right to you. Don’t give your power away to a guy to define you. No one can define you.
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