Dear Sara: Two and a half years ago, I met a woman online (I was 43 and she was 33 and an alcoholic, sober for 3 years), and we hit it off right away. She was witty and smart. We communicated really well, and we had great physical chemistry. After a few weeks, she said it was important for me to meet her friends and family so that she could get their opinion of me, so she took me to several events to meet everyone. They all loved me and some commented that they had never seen her so happy. She would say. “This is too good to be true!” She said she had never had a healthy relationship; I told her, “It should be this good in the beginning!”
Dear Sara: I’m a 34-old-girl who never had a proper relationship. l started to feel so lonely, and seeing [people] all around me having someone makes me feel bad about myself. On the other hand, I do like my independent and free life but still want someone next to me. I wonder: Do I ask too much or is it because I don’t know what I want, that’s why I don’t get it? I’m so confused and frustrated and on top of that is that every time I like a guy I get overshy and awkward and I end up sounding like a dumb and silly girl—hate that feeling!! What can I do to stop all of that and be more confident? – C
Dear C: There is a myth in our culture that there are two different kinds of people—those who wish to merge their lives with another’s, and those who wish to be independent and free. While there certainly are people who exist on each end of that spectrum, most of us fall somewhere in the middle. We want a special person to share our life with, and we want to be able to do our own thing. We want someone to talk to, and we want time to think. We want to be able to dash off at a moment’s notice, and we want someone sweet waiting for us at home. (more…)
Dear Sara: I’m in Seattle and dating here is brutal. I’m 41, educated, funny, fairly attractive, and kind/courteous. I’m looking for the real thing. Here’s the problem: I was almost killed in a car wreck two years ago and my ankles and feet were crushed, every single bone, as well as others in my legs and arm. I will always walk with at least one forearm cane, and probably will have two. In a culture where texts aren’t returned because of a wrong shade of lipstick, what can I do? (more…)No comments yet
Dear Sara: I’m 49 years old. I’ve never been married, and have no children. I dated a guy for 15 years, thought we would be married and have kids, and we have been broken up for over 10 years. It took me three years to get over that relationship because he immediately found someone 10 years younger, built like a brick house. [He] moved her in, bought her a car, paid her a salary, and got engaged. I immediately started working out, thinking if I could lose weight, he would want me back because he always told me if I would just lose weight, he would marry me.
I have been a successful business owner for almost twenty years and everyone tells me I’m single because I’m intimidating to men because of that. I’ve only dated about four guys over the last 10 years and all but one seems to have used me for money or sex. … (more…)3 comments
Dear Sara: A while back, I had a “come to Jesus” moment with a [single] friend/mentor when she was implying, yet again, that marriage is a sign of spiritual maturity. I argued it was luck. I said, “Tell me one thing a happily married woman (I decided to make it easy for her by excluding the unhappily coupled) knows that I don’t.” She said, “She knows how to show up in the world completely as herself.”
This resonated so deeply with me. Not only do I struggle with intimacy/shame/perfectionism issues, so do all my single friends. It made sense to me that in order to be happy in a relationship you have to be courageous enough to show up as yourself. I really appreciated your mentioning how courageous it is to continuously put yourself out there in dating, but for me, that’s social courage; I know how to present myself favorably to a wide variety of people. I think intimacy is a deeper kind of courage. (more…)3 comments
I started binge-listening to The Secular Buddhist podcast last year because the host, Ted Meisner, always has such fascinating guests and offers such a smart take on Buddhism in the modern world. So a few months ago, I summoned my nerve and asked Ted if he’d be interested in talking to me about It’s Not You and the way Buddhist teachings helped me deal with the challenges of being single and of dating. I was thrilled when he invited me on the program.
In the conversation, we talk about how I discovered meditation and Buddhist thought, how it has helped me personally, and how I ended up writing an “inspirational book” even though that phrase makes me a little queasy. You can listen here.No comments yet
Here’s my review of Moira Weigel’s Labor of Love for The Washington Post
Let’s Talk About Dating–Seriously
It’s a sad truth: No matter how much progress women have made in the workplace — and it’s still pretty limited — the message about our romantic prospects remains stubbornly mired in the past.
“I belong to a generation that grew up hearing that girls could do everything,” Moira Weigel writes in her fascinating social history “Labor of Love.” And yet Weigel, who is in her early 30s, contends that women are still judged in large part on their ability to secure romantic partnerships. “Since we were children,” she writes of herself and her friends, “we had heard that romantic love would be the most important thing that ever happened to us. Love was like the final grade: Whatever else we accomplished would be meaningless without it.”
Despite these monumental stakes, she notes, love and romance — the ways humans begin their most intimate relationships — are still dismissed as silly girl stuff, fodder for pink-covered books and scented fashion magazines.
The lack of serious conversation about dating has left Weigel with rich territory to explore, and she makes excellent use of it. MORENo comments yet
When you do a lot of interviews about your book, you can sometimes fall into some fairly canned answers. But a great podcast host will fix that, and recently I had the pleasure of talking to two who got me thinking about things I had never contemplated before:
The School of Psych
Jared DeFife was such a delight to talk to–I kind of forgot that we were being broadcast.
More recently, I had the great pleasure of speaking with Australian Life Coach Michelle Marie McGrath about life without kids for her Unclassified Women podcast. Childless? Childfree? Non-parent. It appears there is no good word for those of us without kids, so we talked about that and many other things.2 comments
This week a client wrote me about a disappointing evening. She met a guy she liked at a networking event and … it didn’t go the way she hoped.
Anyone who has been single for any length of time has probably had this kind of night. It can feel very significant in the moment, even though it doesn’t really mean anything other than that you’ve had a bad night.
Unfortunately, my client went home and read a blog post that made her feel much worse.
I hesitate to link to this post—I’ve lived happily with my husband for ten years, and it stressed me out. I also don’t mean to pick on this blogger in particular, as I’ve seen variations on this message in countless books, articles, posts, and television segments. But that is the point, so here goes: (more…)1 comment